I’ve always been a skinnier guy. It’s worked out over the years because tall and lean seems to be one of the body types men fall into. Even when I was a little out of shape throughout college and my early 20s due to poor diet, heavy drinking and pure laziness, I would still be described as thin.
A couple years ago, I stopped taking a medication I had been on for upwards of four years. I was hit with extreme lethargy, disorientation, lack of appetite and overall feeling like shit. Before this, I had weighed about 175, but after a few months of dealing with withdrawal effects, I was about 160. I was taken back by how much, as far as weight, the medication ultimately affected my body. I became more well-read on the topic. I also got a better understanding of why these drug companies cover their asses so comprehensively when forewarning you about possible side effects – even if the chance is .001%, it can happen.
A few months after going through the motions of getting off the medication, my mother unexpectedly passed. To put it briefly, the loss of a parent is one of the hardest things you can experience. It’s devastating and the months/years afterwards where you have to slowly go through the stages of grief and attempt to accept the new status quo are a lot to take on. In this time, I lost about another 10-15 pounds. In the course of about eight months, I went from 175 to 145.
For me, unintentionally losing thirty pounds in that short time was mind blowing. I knew I had lost some weight and not surprisingly so given what an unpredictable time it had been, but thirty? Damn. I looked frail, malnourished and unhealthy… and those are some of the adjectives other people used.
Naturally, anyone in my life that was a touch observant and/or gave a shit could tell I wasn’t looking myself. Unfortunately for me, there wasn’t much tactfulness displayed by most family and friends in telling me that I looked unwell. But I guess that’s just karma for how brutally honest I am at all times.
I was at a family member’s wake and one of my suits was looking a bit baggier than usual. When I rose from the casket after paying my respects, I noticed a handful of family members examining me with curious glares, audibly murmuring about my weight. I made it a point to look back until they looked away – I’m a nice guy. There were other remarks made at the holiday parties, but I kept my responses politely vague and short.
Some friends made casual mention that I had lost weight, but were compassionate and understanding that it had been a crazy time for me. Others asked if I was eating and offered to buy me a meal. Then, there were the handful that asked if I had been checked out for any illnesses. Finally, there were the few that questioned me about doing drugs. In retrospect, I know they were asking out of concern. At the time though, it seemed judgmental and insincere given that some of these friends inquiring about my health, weight and habits hadn’t been around for much of my suffering. You can become easily irritated with someone when they’ve been MIA for months and the first thing they ask you is if you’re sticking needles in your arms. It doesn’t make you feel great.
Through this time, I thought about how we approach people with weight issues. Obesity is definitely the more discussed epidemic and problem for many Americans. There’s a certain double standard and the other side of the coin – being too skinny – is fairly unexplored. You get joked around with about it or considered lucky for not having the opposite problem of being larger. But there are problems with being too thin as well.
People joking ‘take some of my weight’ or ‘I wish I had your problem’ or ‘when’s the last time you ate?’ etc. can be more jarring than they think. I have a sense of humor so I can take it, but I feel like people shouldn’t be so quick to say so. Just because all you saw me eat was a bag of trail mix doesn’t mean I didn’t just have a sandwich, bag of chips, some fruit and candy bar a couple hours ago. It wouldn’t be entertaining or acceptable if I told an overweight person to ‘put down the fork’ right?
As antiquated and cliché as it may sound, this issue is specifically not talked about with guys nor do many guys want to discuss their insecurities in this area and/or in general. We’re supposed to be strong – physically and mentally – and not show much weakness. And believe me, ladies; if you think this concept isn’t present in 2018, you’re wrong. Just like you have outdated stereotypes, so do we. There are many shades of the ‘toxic masculinity’ phenomenon, some that have nothing to do with sexism. I’m not so thin-skinned – pun intended – that I’m overly concerned with others perception of my body, but there are many scales of judgement within our own gender and what we have been groomed to expect of ourselves and our fellow brothers.
Changing my lifestyle and habits is something I began to do through this period. From working out a little more to having a fairly balanced and consistent diet, I feel much better than I did a while back. I’ve gained about ten of the thirty pounds I lost and with time, persistence and discipline, I’m going to hit that goal sooner than later.
But this isn’t some ‘I showed them’ moment. I have my own expectations and desires for my physical health that I try to work on every day.
With that said, it opened my eyes a bit more to how many layers we each have. We all have body image reflections and issues. Some were raised with a nagging parent that kept them on a strict diet or was too blasé and let them eat anything and everything so they have an ingrained mindset. Some people might have gone through moments where they felt inadequate and consequently are heavily dedicated to their physique and that makes them feel great. Others might be anxious, sad and depressed, which can result in overeating or a lack of appetite. And some are just having a rough time. So many possibilities.
I consider myself a fairly confident person and while I said earlier that I normally don’t let the irrelevant opinions of others get in my head, for a short time, I did. Their words cut more than I care to admit. But it renewed my self-confidence and gave me pause to realize how a little empathy goes a long way. We all observe and judge others on aspects of their lives, but we don’t always know what’s going on in their pantry, so use a little more tact because our words often carry a lot more weight than we know. Okay, last food reference.
mark.angiello 