Some time ago, an old boyfriend asked me if I would be interested in the idea of an open relationship. Immediately, my defenses went up and other less appealing qualities appeared. The conversation was had a few times over the course of a year where I would entertain the idea, but it would trail off and be left hanging out there with no resolution. It didn’t cross my mind for more than a few minutes during these moments.
Well, I very quickly learned the lesson of not being so blasé when your partner casually mentions something as serious as an open relationship. He eventually made it clear that he had an insatiable desire to go out and form ‘connections’ with other guys, but still wanted to be with me at the end of the day and do everything we talked about in the future. There were a few primary reasons, like not exploring his sexuality earlier in life and consequently feeling unfulfilled, but either way, I was swept off my feet… and not in a romantic way.
I consider myself an open-minded person. Being a product of fairly Laissez-faire parents mixed with growing up with substance abuse mixed with being a gay man all equate to me being very accepting and not – usually – judging others based on their life choices or circumstances. But this type of arrangement wasn’t something I ever considered or really wanted to be a part of. I want ONE person for me, all to myself and I didn’t think that was asking for too much.
As I contemplated the dilemma of either immediately ending it with my boyfriend or very cautiously entering this unusual phase, I thought of the pros and cons and all the scenarios. Imagining your partner with someone else is rough, the potential heartbreak is rougher and the possibility of STDs is the roughest. But with a lot of honesty, faith and condoms, this could be feasible.
With that said, I joined a couple dating apps and started swiping left and right. It’s not like he was the only one that could get some enjoyment out of this if we’re going to do it I thought. I chatted up some guys and went on some dates. I won’t lie – it felt extremely fucking weird and just… not right at first. But again, I also took it for what it was and let it ride. Everyone knew the deal and I made a couple new acquaintances ultimately. It became a fun and exciting way of getting to know new people, one of whom led me to a potential career move, so I saw another bright side.
Before this became a reality, I would enjoy observing and occasionally flirting with other guys, something that I always mentioned to boyfriends because it was playful and there were no deeper intentions. We all have eyes, notice if someone is attractive and all have had some sexual fantasies. To say different is a blatant lie. It’s not disrespectful or dishonest to your partner if you own it and both of you are on the same page. This became a perk of engaging in an open relationship. I had the leisure of chatting up some attractive prospects, even if just for an adrenaline rush and felt very little guilt because there was a clear loyalty to my boyfriend.
On the note of being upfront and honest, there’s plenty to be said about being direct versus cheating. The idea of an open relationship threw me for a loop without a doubt, but I thought this was a better route than the deception and often secretive behavior that occurs through cheating, where one person is out doing who knows what, leaving their innocent, oblivious partner in the dark. Cheating has naturally become easier with technology and everyone has their own definition. Most of us think about the act of sex obviously, but it could be other things like when one partner has developed a strong emotional bond with someone else. So many guys and girls alike can relate to not being completely happy or comfortable with their partner and how close they seem with a particular friend, co-worker or acquaintance.
Relationships fall apart daily due to dishonesty and infidelities, but opening up the lines of communication and prospective sexual exploration may help these things. It’s not uncommon to hear of couples spicing up their love lives or engaging in behavior/activities that some wouldn’t consider everyday, ‘normal’ stuff. This isn’t the 1930s where people are participating in their fantasies behind closed doors in fear and shame and hiding their lust. Take swingers, for example, who openly have sex with other couples and that can range from exclusive sex parties/clubs to groups of friends who know each other well and want to try something out. I think we’ve all heard of individuals or couples who have tried a threesome or even some that have routinely brought in a third party every now and then. Variety is the spice of life. You never hear that phrase anymore, right?
Some people may question how much common sense or better yet, self-respect a person has for themselves by dabbling in an open relationship… I know I did. Non-monogamous relationships are often seen as gross, scandalous and taboo. Others judge those participating and look at them like they’re a sad, desperate case. They think those involved lack a certain love, affection or attachment and commitment to their partner. But in fact, it’s quite the opposite. There’s an enormous trust, honesty, empathy and communication I’ve come to find. It was there to begin with, but it strengthens through this type of situation.
At the very beginning of all this, I was flooded with feelings of insecurity, jealousy, rage and sadness etc. It can be easy to feel like you’re not enough for the other person when they want someone else, even if it is for a moment in time and strictly physical. It’s easy to lose your composure and flip the fuck out every other week over feeling slighted by them going on a date with someone or feeling like there were some discrepancies. It’s easy to feel uncomfortable and lonely when your significant other is out exploring themselves and another person that’s not you. Finally, it’s VERY easy to think ‘fuck this shit, I can do better’, want to kick their ass to the curb and find someone that can be happy with you and only you.
But after some time, I decided to take it for what it was. I chose to be in this and I could leave at any time. Again, with trust, faith and very frank discussions, this wasn’t the worst thing if I approached it differently and perhaps just as important, this wasn’t going to be a forever arrangement. It was a phase of a relationship where we were trying something out. Would I have done it if not asked? Probably not, but I did it on the strength of the love I had for this person… and it allowed for me the freedom to do as I pleased if I wanted, which was a luxury that hence the term, was nice to have.
Open relationships. It’s not for everyone. It wasn’t for me long-term. There are very rigid opinions regarding the topic because it’s a matter of pride, love, morals and ethics versus being open to something that might challenge all these at their core, particularly when most were raised viewing and believing that the two person, nuclear home was/is the template. We’ve all seen different though throughout the years that show us one size does not fit all. Life is about having new experiences and seeing what works for you and what doesn’t and that’s exactly the attitude I approached this with. I probably won’t be joining any sex clubs or have four spouses in the future, but being open to the possibilities is something we can all do more in life.
mark.angiello 