Last week, I watched an episode of Sugar Rush, one of the endless cooking shows we’ve been inundated with on Netflix and Hulu over the last couple of years. Worst Cooks in America is one of my guilty pleasures if I’m being upfront, but I digress. Within the first couple minutes, a contestant appeared and I immediately asked, “Is she trans?” Not even five seconds later, the contestant confirmed my curiosity. I said, “Yeah, I figured… you can usually tell”.
This simple statement alone made me realize how many preconceived notions and stereotypes we all can subscribe to, intentionally or not. One could argue it’s just being observant and you could immediately gather this information through basic common sense and experience. But the way I so nonchalantly said ‘you can usually tell’ gave me pause about the deeper meanings of this.
In addition to the trans contender on Sugar Rush, there have been other times that have made me question my casual judgments. Last year, Queer Eye exploded back on the scene and without a doubt, Jonathan Van Ness or JVN was the breakout star of the show. Unapologetically himself, both his warm, caring and hilarious disposition and quick one-liners make him great television. He makes you feel his sunshine through the screen and you can tell he genuinely cares about what he’s doing with each person. In addition to this, JVN regularly shows up to interviews, award shows and the like wearing high heels, dresses and referring to himself as ‘she’.
Initially, I perceived this in more of a humorous manner and shook my head at his fashion choices and way of being. I didn’t and don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with that, but it’s just not my style or preference. However, upon watching a rerun last week, (the third season is set to premiere March 15th) it made me stop and think about my knee-jerk perceptions. JVN is someone that, as above-mentioned, is such a beam of positivity who through his work has made me smile, laugh and cry more than I care to admit. Yet, here I was sneering at his wardrobe and flamboyant mannerisms.
As a gay man, you become acutely aware through coming out just how many generalizations there are and the struggles that can come with being true to yourself. You see this through the reception of the outside world, interacting with others in the LGBTQ society as a whole and through hearing about hate crimes, which take place at an alarming rate to this day. We are labeled in a variety of ways like other minority groups and like any of them, there is a small amount of blurry truths mixed with what is typically an overwhelming majority of falsehoods.
Where you come from and how you were brought up play a role in this. Growing up, my town was right outside New York City, so we had access to anything and everything. It’s not like we were living somewhere that left us with little exposure to diversity. However, my hometown was/is predominantly white and Catholic and even though, to my knowledge, there’s not any mass bigotry occurring, there was definitely a sense of old school traditions, beliefs and gender roles floating around. I had friends that dated people of other races and it wasn’t a big deal, but there was an initial sigh from their parents. When I or other people I knew came out as gay or lesbian, there was acceptance, but the side eye of uncertainty. It was absolutely a town where the old-fashioned nuclear family reigned supreme and different lifestyles weren’t shunned, but cautiously embraced.
Our interactions with members of our own groups play a role in it too. Some gay men support the stereotypes that the community as a whole has earned by being unnecessarily sassy, catty and abrupt. At the bars, there are times that if you’re not a hot guy with muscles or a drag queen entertaining the crowd, you might get a cold shoulder. There’s an air of condescension thrown your way and it can make someone trying to find a common bond feel low-key ostracized. From my observations, it is a vicious cycle. The ones throwing the attitude are probably doing so for one of two reasons: they’re either just naturally assholes or they’ve become quite jaded over time, dealing with people who either label them from the jump or just want one thing. So, their defenses are heightened. On the other side, people seeking love – platonic or sexual/romantic – who are on the receiving end can become cynical about their exchanges with fellow gays and come to have their own preconceived views about who someone might be within seconds of seeing or speaking to them. Either way, the defenses can rise like a reflex and we’re adding to the revolving door of scrutiny.
As far as labeling and critiquing someone based on limited interactions, I’ve had my share being called phrases like a ‘regular bro’ to a ‘masculine twink’ to just – the always classy and traditional – ‘faggot’ by more aggressive types. No names or labels ever bothered me, but made me laugh because I know who I am. I also know that everyone has many more layers than what you see in the first two minutes of meeting them. Furthermore, these labels, like the snap judgments I’ve made myself about others, speak to simply being unfamiliar or having ingrained modes of thinking that cause such reaction. This is why for me it was vital to pause and reflect on my ways.
The words open-minded, accepting and unity are supposed to be synonymous with the LGBTQ community, but that doesn’t stop us from judging our own at times. On one hand, that is natural. We are entitled to our preferences. We are entitled to choose the things we want in friends and/or partners and what we surround ourselves with. But on the other hand, we should make effort to not unintentionally cause subtle divides in doing so. It is good for growth and general education in this world to do away with even minor negative preconceptions. These ignorant thoughts can support stereotypes/stigmas and suppress the spread of acceptance and understanding, one of the main principles we strive for – not only as LGBTQ members, but human beings in general.
One of my universal mantras in life is the cliché ‘do you’. I am of the mindset that whatever makes you happy, go for it. As long as you’re staying true to yourself and not causing anyone else trouble, go on with your bad self. But I realized I was not 100% at all times being true to that by sporadically dissecting other members of my bigger community.
I consider myself someone who is – usually – compassionate and empathetic towards others. So this was a great lesson in reconstructing my approach with not only fellow associates of my colorful spectrum, but people in general. Every group, no matter their race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion and so on, comes with their set of biased notions. And we all have our judgments on various aspects of our own, from how someone presents themselves to their appearance to skin tone to morals and values and so on. Part of that is human nature and being observant in the moment – nothing more. But another part of it comes from our experiences in life and how our minds have been shaped on particular details. Taking a moment to reflect on this every now and then and seeing if we can change our outlook for the better can help us move to the next level. And it’s a daily process… just ask me about my reaction to Billy Porter’s outfit at the Oscars.
mark.angiello 