Live in the moment. Be more present. Today, not someday. Live as if today is your last day.
These are some of the top cliché phrases used by health gurus, meditation experts, yoga instructors, motivational speakers, empowerment brands and an endless array of Instagram ‘influencers’.
But somewhere in the middle of all the seeming nonsense is a very real and valuable train of thought we can all benefit from: mindfulness
Practicing meditation and mindfulness has been on the steady rise for a hot minute now. With the frenzied world we live in and with mental health being taken a lot more seriously by our generation than those before it, the landscape for a peaceful mind has really taken off.
It can be hard to embody the ‘gratitude is the attitude‘ mantra at all times and be fully mindful with our nonstop surroundings. From work to family and friends to events to appointments to social media and our ever-declining attention spans, it can be a task to slow down and find our inner calm.
For me, the practice of meditation and mindfulness started not long ago. It is something I’ve been trying to utilize more to achieve a sense of serenity in my brain. It has a lot to do with having varying levels of anxiety for the past decade.
From the early days of having casual twitches of worry to the handful of years mired in constant, crippling panic attacks to the more recent surge of overwhelming OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), it’s been a wild ride. It’s been a long decade of having no grasp of what was happening to being well-versed in understanding the psychology of it all. I’ve went from having no grip on my anxiety, letting it dominate daily situations to being able to shake it off (usually) and going about my day.
However, my OCD is still very present and in the last few years, has definitely been intrusive in my daily life. It’s a lot more than a passing thought of whether or not I turned off the stove or checking something twice to make sure.
The average person has around 50,000 thoughts a day. For a brain riddled with OCD, it can feel like 10 times that and if it’s an unpleasant or persistent thought, it can be damn near impossible to focus on the positive and take effort to let it go.
It sounds so simple to many. Just let it go. It’s not that big of a deal. Believe me, I know it’s not. But I can’t help it. The mind is a powerful place. It has a funny way of latching onto the negative. The compulsions have been strong and at times have quite literally taken a hold of my consciousness.
I’ve felt a bit of shame about admitting that in the past. Friends have made comments and jokes, but they mean no harm. It’s just a lack of understanding. Either way, it used to make me feel even more hyperaware of how I was acting. An occasional insecure day would make me feel embarrassed that I had little control of my situation.
I am who I am, but no matter how steadfast I am in myself, there were times I felt ashamed speaking my truth aloud. It can be difficult and uncomfortable to admit your struggles, especially already being an semi-adult who’s trying to navigate life.
Every single person walking has their own eccentricities and behaviors the rest of us would find peculiar. Some people are deathly cautious of the number 13; others play very specific lottery numbers. Some sports fanatics HAVE to wear their favorite jersey on game day, while others consider objects of theirs lucky charms. We all have our things.
For me though, these quirks are not logical or rational, but that is the nature of the beast that is OCD. I have compulsions to wash my hands over fear of contamination and obsessive thoughts over things that aren’t as catastrophic as they seem. It’s gotten better with time, effort and ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention), but it still plays a part in my life.
Much of the fear and anxiety related to OCD comes from wanting to maintain a sense of control through reassurance behaviors – habits that give you a false, momentary comfort. In a twist of irony though, in order to achieve some relief, you must give in to the chaos. It allows you to feel free when you feel trapped by these overwhelming thoughts and rituals.
A few friends used to call me ‘Moving Mark’ in the past. I am always on the go and like to be moving. I guess I get bored easily – go figure with a mind like this. With a little age though, I’ve definitely come to appreciate sitting on my ass a lot more, thoroughly indulging in my downtime.
For someone that is up and moving most of the time, making a concentrated effort to sit in the silence and try to quiet my brain or feel at ease through meditation was a challenge.
I would sit there, taking deep breaths with my eyes closed, trying to focus on my breath, the bodily sensations and be there in the moment. But half the time, I was sitting there thinking ‘this is some bullshit’. With a little perseverance though, I’ve come to get more out of it than I thought possible.
Headspace and Calm, arguably the top two meditation apps, are a great start. They’re both very easy to use and work hard at implementing pillars of mediation and mindfulness into your daily life. They give you the tools to be more aware and relaxed. The metaphors and visuals within each lesson or story are also a nice touch and easy to remember. (I’ll take my advertising $$$ now, thank you.)
“It isn’t about finding happiness… it’s about staying mindful of what makes you happy”
Long before I knew anything about meditation, mindfulness or anything of the variety, I loved this quote and tried to adopt its message. It gave me perspective.
Every day is not going to be easy and sometimes, you’re definitely not on top of your game. But that is part of the process.
It’s about realizing what works for you and what doesn’t. It’s about a heightened sense of self-awareness. It’s about finding the parts of life that feed your soul, make you feel satisfied and getting more of that. It’s about letting your walls down and being comfortable in your skin.
My daily interactions with family, friends and strangers alike have changed through this experience. Well, I attribute some of it to being a bit older and not as immature, but I absolutely give some credit to the power of mindfulness.
I’ve learned to shift my focus from reactive to one of more understanding. Taking a moment to analyze someone’s words, my own feelings about it and respond in a constructive manner is one of the best things I’ve learned. This is especially helpful when a person is outright rude or obnoxious.
Trust me when I say though (and many friends can vouch) that my response to disrespect or nonsense isn’t always positive, calm or friendly. But hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day, right? That phrase needs updating.
OCD will forever be a part of my life. It is irrational, obtrusive and annoying AF most of the time. But in the last couple years, I’ve made strides in becoming more carefree about things that aren’t as problematic as my mind once made me believe. I can pass off a lot of things these days as silly thoughts, but it’s still work.
Part of that is experiencing life and the trial and error that comes with it, realizing I can’t give my energy to the unnecessary or petty.
Part of that is going to therapy, understanding what the triggers are and making a conscientious effort to handle them in a progressive way while simultaneously being kinder to myself.
And part of that is growing that mindful bone in my body and working on being consistently aware of what makes me happy.
So, be more present. I rolled my eyes while I wrote that, but it’s true. We can lay the groundwork for the future and spend time trying to setup building blocks for our lives, but we have to be mindful to enjoy the great moments we get every day, now in this moment. Gratitude is the attitude! Just kidding… but… maybe?
mark.angiello 