You Better Check Yo Self: Living with Consistency

Recently, I worked on an activity my therapist gave me as part of our work with ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy).

ACT is a branch of psychology that in essence is about figuring out what’s important to you – values – and to try and see that you’re living life in alignment with that. It’s also about using those values to help with accepting life as it is and not letting outside circumstances become monsters. I’m not licensed though and Google will have better answers.

As such, the purpose of the exercise was to figure out what my primary values were and if I was living congruously with them.

I love stuff like that – making lists, categorizing and anything where I get to sort out information. It’s one of the true perks of an OCD brain and an even better quality for my employers. However, this activity required a little more soul-searching and less saying you value ‘teamwork’, ‘success’ and ‘leadership’ to look good for your boss.

The exercise made me think about what is really important to me in life. It’s easy to think about health, family, friends, love, money and the like. Those are obvious, but there are more tenets that ring true differently for each us and they can consciously and inadvertently dictate our lives.

So what were my top values? Did I even know and was I living my life that way?

Humor: They say laughter can cure a multitude of ills and how true that is for me as it has helped me out of some deep, dark holes in my life. I’ve had periodic crises where I felt desperate, helpless, without options and flat out unsure of how I could continue to live. In those moments, I was firmly rooted in my humor and laughing through the pain. I knew it would pass, even though it felt insurmountable for days or weeks. Generally though, I enjoy and entertain myself more than anyone else – sometimes you have to be your own best friend. Humor has been a bedrock of my happiness, my approach to life and helped me in maintaining some sense of equilibrium. Whether it’s trivial bullshit that occurred with a friend or more serious matters like someone dying, I fall back on humor. I don’t know any other way than to try and laugh at life because it grounds me and allows me, who has taken many things way too seriously for a long time, to not take things all that seriously in the same breath.

Honesty: Surprise, surprise to no one in my life at all that honesty is one my high-ranking values. It is the only language I know – for better and worse. I’ve probably (definitely) unintentionally offended a majority of my close friends at least three times in our run together – and I’m really lying to myself by saying that low number. In my younger years, I was borderline (completely) tactless and would make commentary and give opinions in a very colorful and brutally blunt manner. There was never ill will, but it was a learning curve on communication. Regardless though, I have been the friend that many have come to with their problems, know they can depend on for the truth and understand I’m not putting on a facade – all modesty here. These days, I’m still very direct, but I pick and choose my words more carefully. In my own dealings, I’ve had to face the repercussions of my own mistakes, like infidelity in a relationship. I HAD to be honest – I couldn’t live with myself otherwise. It would eat me alive. Honesty is a trait that I find essential to live a real, raw life. Social media is the epitome of low-key deception and as such, our generation is a little shaky on ‘living our truth’ as much as it is plastered everywhere. What’s the point of living an inauthentic life or delivering false storylines? It’s just bad karma and weighs you down. Honesty is paramount and it allows me to have a clear conscience as I move through the world.

Inner Peace/Stability: I guess some people are agents of chaos, dictators and/or people consumed with attaining power and in that sense, have little regard for the general concept of things being peaceful or stable. For the rest of us though, don’t we just want peace in our lives? What an ongoing journey it is in this world to find that balance on any given day. I love to be alive, am grateful for everything and all that jazz, but it is rough out here sometimes. I envy some friends that appear to be so regularly grounded and taking everything in stride while I have sporadic fantasies of taking a baseball bat to anything in sight like a therapeutic piñata – not angry, I promise. Finding that sweet spot of contentment is a marathon. For me, years of mental health struggles that ran me into the ground to feeling fully comfortable in my skin as a gay man to simply being alive with all its curveballs of change and heartbreak, being steadfast in myself didn’t come overnight. It is eye-roll inducing to talk about small habits like meditation, therapy, eating healthy (sometimes) and exercising, but they’re undeniable. Watching a sunset or listening to the waves or any other ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ type meme moments I could tell you really are amazing though for finding bits of peace. But in all seriousness, I’ve come to learn peace is really wherever you can find it. See, fake IG inspirations.

Creativity: Since I was a child, my mind/imagination has been a vibrant, wild, fantasy-infused place. For someone who considers themselves a realist, I have all sorts of ambitions and hypotheticals occurring in my brain about anything and everything. It’s a good thing I wanted to be a writer for so long, a dream that allows me to tap into said colorful psyche and put it on paper to create works that hopefully connect with others. Creativity allows me to, in some sense, both pull from the reality of the world to form a fresh spin on something and also disconnect from what we may already know to ponder new scenarios. Our minds are vast places that have so much in the data banks that can be used to drum up innovative ideas. Whether it’s something on a more daily level, like organizing your home the way you want to planning an event, like a birthday, to creating a future for yourself, creativity is at the root of it. Again, endless possibilities. Creativity provides me with enthusiasm, fun and wonder in life.

Purpose/Passion: What do you want to do with your time on this earth? If you’re not dedicating it to something you enjoy, the feelings of discontent, exasperation and depression inevitably come around. I’ve always had a zest for whatever I’m involved in or whoever I’m dealing with. In my relationships, platonic and romantic, I’m a enthusiastic person that brings a liveliness to the table – solicited or not. My passion for writing and creating content sparks that part of my brain that makes me feel alive and productive. I know I love pop culture, from TV/movies to music to sports and entertainment news – I’m just figuring out how turn that passion and brain full of random information about the MCU (Marvel for you haters) or Outer Banks into something worthwhile. When you know the thing(s) that you enjoy in life and/or are good at, you have to keep at it. It’s no coincidence that our energy or soul feels completely drained when we’re in a professional environment or personal interaction that isn’t making us happy or feel fulfilled. With a little fine tuning, you can feel that purpose every day. But I’m only maybe 45% there thus far – so don’t listen to me.

Friendship/Acceptance: Without a good support system of loyal, caring and fun friends, life would be very boring and lonely. And of course the best kinds of friendships are those that accept you flaws and all while also calling you out on your bullshit. None of us are always the most pleasant to be around. We might say a nasty comment or do something that deeply offends. Those that stick with you through those unattractive moments and grow in life with you are a rare find.  It’s a windy road realizing your true friends that you can truly depend on. They’re there through any petty disagreements, rocky relationships, wild nights, crucial losses and the list goes on. Some you might speak to once a week; others you only speak once a year, but there’s never a question of that bond. I’ve come to appreciate and enjoy my alone time in these last few years – because I’m a great time – but eventually, I want to kick back with my people, have a couple of drinks, play some music and games and just revel in that simplicity. Friendship might seem like more of a general aspect of life over a ‘value’, but to me it is so much more.

Growth/Health: Naturally, health is its own entity and something most of us strive for. But it is easy to lose sight of in our routine activities and do things that aren’t conducive to the best mind and body possible. When I was 20 years old, aside from the primal instinct to stay alive and maintain general upkeep, I wasn’t heavily concerned with making healthy choices. My friends and I were slamming back shots of tequila, chain-smoking cigarettes and other paraphernalia and barely (if at all) working out. I was eating more fast food and drinking more liquor and sugary beverages than was acceptable. I think these days about COVID-19 and the discussed lack of concern by a certain amount of teenagers. Would I or many of my friends or many of you been too concerned with a virus that people our age weren’t heavily affect by? Maybe not. There’s a boldness in being that young. With age, I started to care more about my health. If I want to feel good mentally and physically and live a long life, I have to make it happen. I still love chocolate and vodka (not together), but I keep it to a lower level. I HATE working out and consider it a necessary evil, but my body and mind feel better when I do it. Keeping ourselves afloat and at something of optimal levels can feel tasking, but if it’s important, you just do it like Nike says – get it? Exercise and health? Nevermind.

Values. Those are some of mine. What are yours? It seems simple and self-explanatory, but when you really dig a little beneath the surface, you might be surprised about what really drives you and your level of consistency.

What I came to find is that, for the most part, I actually am doing alright and staying true to myself when it comes to my principles and how I operate in the world. Of course, it’s not 100% every day and forever a work in progress, but it gave me a boost of confidence and overall self-awareness. Like I said, I found out modesty wasn’t at the top of the list, but they say God only gives with one hand.