What’s Your Problem? Levels of Hardship

‘I’m pretty good, can’t complain’ is a common response to the stock question of ‘How are you doing?’ to which some jokingly respond ‘Well, that’s good because no one cares anyway’.

Complaining or venting is something we all do in varying degrees. There may be some real health benefit to airing out your feelings or getting a second opinion. It is an act that connects you in a relatable way with your friends and family. We all have our stuff and need to let it out.

One of the cornerstones of all good relationships is being there for the other person and one of the many ways this presents itself is allowing the other person to bitch and moan about their lives for things that can be either petty or pivotal.

Gained twenty pounds? Tell me more. Your grandma died? Go ahead. It runs the gamut.

Other people though just dwell in the misery and love to grumble about every mishap in their lives and turn the most minor inconvenience, like the waiter messing up their order (which is VERY annoying btw), into a full-blown dissertation on the unfair ways of the world.

I consider myself to be an optimistic realist meaning that I like to approach life in a positive, hopeful way because I’m excited about the possibilities, but I also believe in having a sense of realism and seeing things for what they are. Circumstances can change, but in this moment – it is what it is.

But what really is a problem?

I grew up in a nice neighborhood in Westchester, NY with essentially everything I needed and didn’t want for much either. I got a car at seventeen, had a party bus for my 18^th birthday, went to an insanely overpriced private college in Connecticut and had a surplus of other moments in time that showed how privileged I was/am. If you can believe it, we weren’t even close to the top of the food chain in my area.

On the flipside, my family dealt with addiction issues that had many unpleasant side effects, I developed a time-consuming and draining, occasionally debilitating case of anxiety that presented it in numerous ways and had to come to terms with being a gay man, which caused mental friction for some time.

However, I don’t look at those three things as a reason to feel sorry for myself or nitpick when there is so much going on in the world that is worse. I have had and still have it SO GOOD in this life.

My brother will also contend that we’re still allowed to complain about our problems regardless of the severity and sure, we are, but when you compare people fleeing from war-torn countries and the concept of the washing machine being broken, it’s laughable.

In recent weeks, I have been following two countries warring and caught two eye-opening documentaries, all of which made me think about the concepts of perspective, gratitude and checking ourselves when we get caught up in self-pity.

The ongoing conflict between Russia and Ukraine that has been inescapable on our TVs, social media feeds and in constant conversations is the dictionary definition of devastating (Alliteration is fun!)

The concept of American ignorance is spoken about often and has become more present during this time. So much goes on outside of our fifty states than a majority of the population gives any time, energy or consciousness to.

It’s easy when a crisis is outside your atmosphere to feel an empathetic sadness for others and then go about your day like nothing happened. But seeing the daily, graphic visuals of dead bodies, destroyed buildings, crying children and airstrikes is sobering and resonates more deeply.

The thought of having no sense of safety about what could happen at any minute during the throes of war, rapidly collecting some belongings, fleeing from your homeland and the life you’ve built and being uncertain if you will be alive at day’s end is jolting to put it lightly.

As of today (March 29^th) 10 million Ukrainians have fled from their homes and just under 4 million have fled from the country.

The world is trying to assist these refugees, place sanctions on Russia and figure out the next steps that avoid the oncoming third world war very delicately. It is a truly touch and go situation.

A situation like this will make you feel grateful, keep perspective on the truly important matters and be mindful of what deserves your attention and what does not. The Wi-Fi coming in and out or the microwave being on the fritz again are frustrating moments, but probably not reasons to whine about life being so hard.

Coincidentally speaking of Russia, I stumbled across a short documentary on the village of Yakutia, located in the Russian Far East, which is known as the ‘coldest village on Earth’.

Children are required to go to school if it’s warmer than -50 Celsius or about -55 Fahrenheit (and here I am sighing because it was about 20 degrees today on my daily walk).

Wood is needed to keep the fire going 9 months out of the year and it’s essentially impossible to harvest fruits and vegetables, but most men in the village are skilled at fishing, hunting and other agricultural needs, which provide some sustainability.

These are a people that have adapted to living in year-round subzero temperatures and a place where frostbite symptoms can occur within 10 minutes of being outdoors without the proper coverage.

Furthermore, there are NO INDOOR TOILETS. The residents have to rely on outhouses. This blew my mind.

I relay all this information to illustrate the point of what many of us would consider living in less than ideal conditions.

Can you imagine waking up at 3am to take a piss and you have to go outside in the -50 degree weather? I would probably choose to wet the bed and roll around in it than make that arctic trek.

Living in New York, we get all four seasons and annually deal with some fierce heat waves and inconvenient snowstorms, but it’s really not that bad.

Granted, climate change is very real and it is well known we are already started to see the shifting patterns of more widespread wildfires, earthquakes, floods, tornadoes and distorted seasons.

Currently at the end of March, the weather has been fluctuating and I cannot wait for it is be consistently warm enough for me to run around in a t-shirt. But upon seeing this documentary on Yakutia, my eyes were opened to just have lucky I am to have hit the geographic jackpot in many ways living in the northeast.

Another documentary that I came across in this past weekend session on the couch with my Tito’s beverage was Lead Me Home, a neatly-packaged 40 minute expose about the raging homelessness epidemic on the west coast.

Homelessness is nothing new. With somewhere under 600,000 people on the streets in America, we are accustomed to seeing destitute folks in all different shapes and sizes. Walking the streets of any major city, we have all seen – and probably judged – some of these men and women that have fallen into unfortunate conditions.

Many close-minded individuals argue that the homeless are lazy, drug addicts or just a product of making the wrong decisions in their lives and therefore, it’s not anyone else’s problem to solve or assist.

However, the two main causes of widespread homelessness are high housing costs and poverty. Now more than ever, in 2022, we can all relate to the idea of high costs in every area of our lives.

From groceries to gas to rent to virtually anything under the sun, that $100 is not stretching the way it used to. If I don’t have any pressing reason to leave the house during these last couple of years, I don’t.

Lead Me Home emphasizes the state of affairs of individuals and how their poverty came to be, from mental health problems to a string of unfortunate events to yes, drug use, to general mistreatment based on class, race and gender and the list goes on.

Even some of those living in shelters with a steady place to sleep at night cannot overcome the rising costs of living and it becomes a vicious cycle that they cannot get out of.

If you’re familiar with Orange Is the New Black, fan favorite Taystee purposely committed a petty crime to return to the stability being in jail provided because finding living arrangements and making ends meet after incarceration felt insurmountable.

Art has never imitated life in such a simple, but telling manner.

This documentary also focuses on the battle between stable members of these communities and the displaced. People want to be free of the potential violence, excessive litter and rampant drug use in their backyards where their children are playing and growing, but what about other people that are in need?

It’s the ultimate crossroads between human decency and self-interest.

As one mother with two kids asks, ‘What is an immediate concern? Your child eating tonight or the rent that’s due in two weeks?’

That question alone shines a bright light on the levels of hardship in this world. A mother choosing to not allow her children to starve over instead of a roof over their heads is, in actuality, a bigger problem than most of us face every day.

We, as humans, are concerned about ourselves first and foremost. We will make sacrifices for our partners, children and close loved ones, but outside of that, it seems there’s a ‘fend for yourself’ mentality.

Now, more than ever, that concept rings true.

In a pandemic-torn world, with a potential third world war looming, rising inflation, scarcity of goods and other epidemics, like climate change-related catastrophes and widespread poverty, many of us are finding it hard to get by mentally, physically and financially.

What is a problem?

That’s a question worth asking ourselves. It’s all a matter of perception and privilege.

Yes, no matter our surroundings and status in this word, there are dilemmas to be found. There’s no denying that and it’s not fair to discount our feelings. We are people too, after all.

There is again, real benefit for the health of our mind and body to acknowledge our problems and allow ourselves the space to lament about them – whether in a journal, in therapy, to a friend and so on.

But knowing how much higher our baseline is for what we consider to be a ‘problem’ in comparison to someone escaping their country as bombs are dropping or someone soliciting sex to strangers so her children can eat tonight should be enough to keep the outlook on moving forward with more awareness.

So, next time the barista at Starbucks gets that Chai latte wrong or the HBO Max is acting up AGAIN (I mean it really is ridiculous), take a breath and smile.

More than Rainbows & Circuit Parties: Perks of Being a Gay Man

I knew I was gay by the time I was 10. There were some early signs I can recall.

I loved to watch Days of Our Lives, a soap opera my mom enjoyed that happened to work with my childhood afternoon schedule and our shared love of Cup O’Noodles (for a brief moment in time just Cup Noodles, who knew?) My salt intake as a growing boy was HEAVY.

I played with a wide assortment of action figures, but particularly loved my Sailor Moon dolls – well, they were action figures, but people would call them dolls. Power Rangers were another top contender, but now I’m just reminiscing.

These are just two of many small moments that anyone – straight, gay, bisexual or other – could partake in and it doesn’t mean a thing because children are children, but I knew.

I would say a huge component of my inclination for same-sex relations came from the fact that I had an older brother with friends that regularly flashed me as it goes with hormonal teenage boys. There are many semi-homoerotic moments in these years. What can I say – I became curious!

Like anyone in this world, sans sexuality, it took many years to become comfortable in my own skin. Add being a homosexual man to the mix and I had to learn how to operate as a person going through adolescence in general, but then also as someone who knew very well of the societal views around me.

Bigotry surrounding the LGBTQ community is far from gone, especially growing up in a place like I did that lacked diversity and all but promoted ‘traditional’ mindsets. The macho mentality was very substantial and while I didn’t particularly care about being the most masculine guy, I also wanted to be accepted and not seen as ‘feminine’ or a ‘pussy’.

With time, life experience and a better sense of self, you come to appreciate all the aspects of your personality and even come to appreciate the rocky road you had to take to get there. In my case, being gay isn’t a part of my personality – it’s one of my true essences as much as being Italian and Irish is.

It’s funny the way life works though that with enough trial and error and knowledge of the world, I’m not only proud of who I am, but also relieved.

There are certain aspects of being a straight man that I do not envy or have any desire to be a part of. We are all made up of much more than our sexual preferences (hopefully), but on the topic, I’ve laughed at how full circle the mentality has been. These are some trivial and meaningful reasons why.

No Plan B: Close to the top of the benefits of being a gay man for me anyway is the absence of unplanned pregnancies. How many of us know at least five friends or acquaintances who now have a kid or two that wasn’t planned? Or with someone they didn’t know well? Plan B is a lifesaver sometimes as an old associate who jokingly called herself ‘Fertile Myrtle’ knew all too well (horrible, but effective). If the woman wants to keep the baby though, I’ve watched some friends go through the shock and acceptance process. Life is unpredictable and not wearing a condom is a shaky game that can lead to a bundle of joy making its way – cue that Knocked Up scene with Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl. I know enough walking testaments of friends that are now much more careful in their sexual dalliances… I’m just saying.

Bro Life: Like I said, growing up for most guys comes with the collective pressure to ‘act like a man’, not be a ‘wuss’, bench press unnecessary weights and objectify women at every chance. I have a well-rounded sense of humor, but there are boundaries. I never gave too much credence to this, but didn’t want to be thought of as ‘acting like a girl’ for less than macho behaviors. On the contrary though, I love being a man – so much so it seems that I want to be with other men. However, we are all multi-faceted and even the guys that act differently behind closed doors and have the need to say ‘no homo’ after complimenting a friend are a mix of masculinity and femininity. Being gay and proud in this regard is the ultimate freedom. I could be as flamboyant as I want, stroll the streets with rainbow nail polish and high heels without concern of these perceptions. Hey girl, hey!

This is My House: Possibly a bit contradictory to the masculinity factor, but not sharing a home with a woman comes with some relief – no offense to all my beautiful, kind, amazing female friends of course (side eye). There are some habits that, as a man, I can freely do and not be worried about hearing it from my wife or girlfriend. Enter the bathroom – the ultimate of home and lifestyle battlegrounds for men and women. You know one stereotype that doesn’t hold up? Men being messier than women. Have you SEEN some of the makeup bombs that have been set off in these bathrooms? I’ve walked into the bathrooms of many family and friends and just thought ‘holy shit’. They apologize for the mess, you say you don’t care because you don’t, but also, don’t ever complain about the toilet seat being left up again. Leaving the toilet seat up is my luxury. Unless I need to take a load off (too much?), that toilet seat is staying up 24/7. It’s simple, but I’m lazy and the relief felt from it not even being on my radar is bliss.

No Stranger Danger: Speaking of the male and female interactions, this one is definitely a double-edged sword. On one hand, a lot of girls will treat gay men with reckless abandon because they’re pretty sure there’s no real possibility of you being ‘just another guy’ who’s trying to get in their pants and/or who has an ulterior motive in being around them. This is nice to some degree, but can also be a little unintentionally rude, degrading and shows a level of ignorance about the experience of a gay man. I’ve been called a ‘GBF’ (gay best friend) by a few of my close, female friends and while I’m not offended, there are certain implications and preconceived notions that title has. Either way, on the positive end, it’s nice to just be yourself whole-heartedly, show emotions without worry, talk about how attractive Michael B. Jordan is and discuss the intricacies of The Real Housewives. I haven’t watched much of it recently because I’m trying retain the last of my brain cells, but I still know all about the Erika Jayne case.

Resilience: There are pivotal aspects and moments of adversity that will build your resilience, allowing you to become better equipped and more knowledgeable in future endeavors. Learning how to accept myself as a gay man, dealing with hateful words, potential assault and the whole grocery cart full of insecurities was one of the factors that helped me build a tough skin. There were other areas of my life that have cultivate this capability to bounce back in the face of hardship, but my journey of being a gay man is up there. I see this is as one of the best takeaways from being part of the LGBTQ community. I know how to weave through the nonsense of life with more ease because I know what it’s like to be in a dark hole mentally and almost unable and unaware of how I was going to make it past that moment. People find this strength and awareness in a variety of circumstances. For me, one of them was coming to terms with my sexual identity in the world. There is a commonality among many members of the community that, even though life is hard, we are proud to be who we are because we know the trip to get there.

Come One, Come All: Being a part of any marginalized group of people means that you know what it’s like to be treated differently for a part of yourself that you cannot (and with time don’t want) to change. Being gay made me open and accepting of people from all walks of life. It was and still is a learning curve on becoming less ignorant and more understanding of different backgrounds, but you have less judgmental ways because you know all anyone really wants is acceptance. I don’t know anyone’s backstory and unless they’re egregiously rude or hostile to me, why am I going to not take the opportunity to know them better? People are always apologizing for who they are or any petty behavior they think might be unappealing to others. The amount of times I’ve said ‘Oh please, I don’t care’ or ‘You’re fine’ to friends and strangers alike is unreal – and I really mean it. This is one of the best gifts that has come with being a gay man. I’m not closed off and those barriers dissipated a long time ago. What is a life if it’s not well-rounded and diverse in the company you keep? Surrounding yourself with all the same would be bland, restrictive and unprogressive. Come as you are.

Being gay. Again, it’s just one of the many true essences of my person, my soul and who I am in this world. It’s not my whole entity though.

However, being proud of who I am and being myself in general is something that has come with some unexpected benefits – both ridiculous and important.

Overall though, the freedom and joy that comes with being a proud gay man in a chaotic world as ours brings me back to this quote, “If I could have chosen to be gay or straight, I think I would have simply chosen to be happy”.

Bumbling Around: Takeaways from Dating Apps

Back in 2013, I was in my early 20s, single, full of energy and tequila and ready to have my ‘hoe phase’. If you’ve ever been so lucky or unfortunate depending on your outlook to not have a period of promiscuity in your life… well, I salute you for your self-control and intact dignity.

Fresh off my first breakup, a friend introduced me to OkCupid (a relic as far as dating apps go in 2022) and I was LOVING it. There was more personality involved than the simple profiles of Tinder and you got a chance to know someone for more than twenty minutes at the bar sans blaring music.

For the next two years on and off, with one short-term relationship in between, I was a walking testament of the success that OkCupid could bring and really missed out on my endorsement deal.

I went on dates with upwards of 50 potential suitors, wasted easily thousands of dollars all across the tristate area, got drunker on half those dates than was necessary and slept with a handful of people that, had I not been invested in online dating, probably never would have.

I don’t have many regrets in life, but those two one-night stands really make me shiver. I don’t fancy myself the cover of GQ magazine, but… you have to have some standards. What can I say? Thy name is vanity.

Fast forward to this wild year that has been 2022. The New Year truly came in with a bang as my relationship of 6 years was at a crossroads. It was heartbreaking, eye-opening and a list of all the other stock adjectives I could use to describe the situation. It felt like another death in my life.

The breakup was unfortunate for many reasons, one of which was because we had a great bond and our personalities meshed quite well, but outside factors that needed to be taken care of took precedence.

Forever being a silver linings guy, I realized that moments like that are ones of necessary reflection and accountability.

It does take two in a relationship, but for my part, I had to swallow an almost indigestible pill that I fucked up and that hurt me more than anything because it felt avoidable.

But alas, I was single again. It was weird. No matter the circumstances of a relationship ending, many can agree that loss of consistency and comfortability really rocks you to your core. To have someone by your side, supporting you and living life with you ripped away is jarring to say the least.

So, what’s the first thing many of us do in 2022 when we’re back on the market? You hop on Bumble, Hinge and all the other dating apps and let the good, ugly and creepy times roll.

In 2013, my foray into OkCupid was a learning experience. I was green to the game and, aside from not being inexperienced enough to get catfished or anything extreme, I had a lot to absorb.

But now? In 2022 and being a little older? The approach is so different.

Dating apps are, in my opinion, a complete time killer and a feast for the eyes more than anything. If I’m waiting at the doctor’s office, rolling around in bed at night or just being a testosterone-driven man looking for a little excitement, Hinge and Bumble are but a tap and swipe away.

In the younger years, the dating world feels more high-stakes. Sure, now things can feel more high-stakes as we get older and aspects like marriage, home ownership and children have taken center stage.

But as far as dating apps, it feels unnecessary to put that kind of pressure on it that we might have at 22. Everything felt much more do or die and if someone ghosted you, you’d let it bother you more than it should have. At 30+, I do not give a damn.

You know how to spot a bullshitter (and they are aplenty), you have more of an idea of what you’re looking for and are both simultaneously excited and exhausted with the monotonous swiping left and right.

One of the reasons it’s exhausting is because of how flaky many people come across and because of how easy it is to be that fickle when there are thousands of potential suitors with every swipe. Technology at its finest, right? There may be a thing as too much connection.

With that, I came to immediately realize that was one of the many reasons my breakup sucked. After a week of being back on Bumble, I recognized how little interest I had in the dating game, particularly with the apps.

They’re fun and the possibility of going on some carefree dates gets the adrenaline (and other things) pumping, but I also have let out many audible sighs during the process.

Like I said, nothing will make you appreciate that consistency and security of loving relationships tenfold than having to hop back into the pandemonium that is online dating.

I took a step back and just remembered this was all a part of the process of trying to move forward. In addition to working on things in my career, my eternal battle for that summer body (I have a few months to look my most mediocre), therapy and such, I decided to give more conscious energy to my Hinge experience.

I felt like doing more than just swiping left and right – I wanted to make more effort to find people I could connect with. Now, whether that was for something casual or serious is irrelevant – because that’s my business (Tabitha Brown reference iykyk).

Of course, there is a very colorful wheel of characters to be found. As always is the way, those you’re interested in are giving you vague responses at best and those you’re uninterested in are sending you overzealous messages with too many exclamation points! Calm down, Bryan – it’s just chocolate cake. I do love chocolate cake though, but you get me.

I’ve always considered myself an egalitarian. I am a white, gay man and any long-term relationship I’ve been in has happened to be with black men. It just is what it is. On the casual side though, I have run the gamut and engaged with people from all walks of life, from New York to Jamaica to India and beyond. I never felt any type of exclusivity in my attitude and as long as the vibe was right and the person was attractive (again, I’m very vain), I’ve been open.

However, I happened to pass some profiles and really pause on why I almost immediately swiped left. One was a man who happened to use a walker and another was someone with a visible skin condition.

Upon taking a look at these two individuals though and reading through their profiles, I smiled a bit and thought they both seemed like they could be worth striking up a conversation with. After all, who the hell are ANY of us to judge? Who was I? I’m a tall, lanky redhead with a big nose and an occasionally (regularly) offensive sense of humor.

We all have some type of bias in our heads – these are just facts. You don’t have to be raised on a diet of racism, homophobia, sexism or other kind of bigotry to have these thoughts. They can just occur based on your experience in the world.

But what we do with those inklings of intolerance is what makes the difference.

The guy with the walker made me analyze the ignorance at play. From a primal instinct approach, most of us without much thought imagine ourselves with someone that is able-bodied and stable so to speak. Someone with a disability can do everything; however, some activities may require some assistance or sacrifice. Isn’t the idea of compromise or sacrifice a big part of any relationship though?

I felt like an asshole thinking about this because disabled folks are just trying to live life like we all are, don’t want pity and just want to be seen as ‘normal’. The guy was funny, attractive and someone who I’d go on a date with.

The guy with the skin condition was another story. My initial kneejerk thought was coming from a strictly vain, ignorant place. Growing up, I never thought much of anyone that looked different than myself. My parents weren’t like that and always just gave very matter of fact statements when asked about someone ‘different’.

We all have eyes though. You immediately notice someone who doesn’t have ‘regular’ skin. But so what? I wouldn’t or shouldn’t pass up the opportunity to possible connect with someone because of something like that.

This person probably has/had insecurities growing up with that, especially because kids can be cruel, and already came into their own skin – pun intended. They’ve probably become very content with themselves and could teach us all a thing or two.

Sitting back and thinking about why I almost immediately swiped left on both guys opened my eyes a little more about basic human decency and consideration. If I really considered myself an equal opportunist, what makes anyone different than another?

To be fully well-rounded, knowledgeable and progressive in life, a person needs to let go of any expectations, preconceived notions or rigid standards. This comes from an assortment of education through reading, TV/film and most importantly – surrounding ourselves with a diverse collection of people and mindsets.

Dating apps. They are a comical piece of our advancing world. They are convenient and effective, but also bizarre. They though, like anything, are what you make of it and, in my experience, shouldn’t be taken as a life or death situation.

I’ve ran the gamut on dating apps, from casually hooking up with strangers to learning who I did/didn’t want to making unexpected friends to having a happy, loving, profound relationship.

But now that I’m back on the prowl, my pursuit has hit a place of more consciousness and without waxing poetic here, it’s refreshing.

We’re all a work in progress though. So, if I wind up with someone very similar again, just know I at least did it with mindful intentions – sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants and who am I to refuse?

I Want It & I Want It Now: Sugar Fixes

If the title sounds somewhat familiar, they are the words of Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. Now, she was referring to a golden egg and just being a greedy brat, but honestly, when I am in need of some sugar, I can relate.

I am the walking embodiment of the Snickers commercials with the tagline ‘You’re not you when you’re hungry’. The Betty White one was the best one over the years IMO – RIP to that legend.

It is old news that a large majority of us are, in some way shape or form, addicted to sugar. Being in America and steadily raised on sugary sodas, candy bars, ice cream and an assortment of other glorious treats, our brains and bodies have a yearning for the sweet stuff.

The real culprit of our sugar addiction is ultimately low blood sugar as a whole. It can also have something to do with being deficient in vitamins like magnesium, zinc, iron and such. You’re telling me this could all be helped with a magnesium supplement? Sounds dubious to me.

But there’s more of a laser focus on the correlation this urge and problem has to foods and drinks that are filled with synthetic sugar as opposed to a piece of fruit or something that can provide the same thing because our diet and culture has an endless amount of unhealthy possibilities.

The problem is we want that low blood sugar or cravings fixed ASAP and an apple takes too damn long. When I am hungry, I get hangry – a term we are all too familiar with.

I can feel myself mentally and physically having less patience or general tolerance for anyone’s bullshit or unnecessary babble and complaints when I have not ate in however much time. I have learned how to rein it in – you know, by having a proper eating schedule. However, that does not mean we all don’t snap on occasion over petty issues.

I’ve had to physically take a deep breath or step back from a potentially heated moment and realize I’m irritable due to hunger before I say something abrupt to someone. It’s a work in progress though because I just mouthed off to my dad yesterday. #familydysfunction

The sugar cravings aren’t just about hunger though. Treating yourself (the double entendre was always there) can be a great source of comfort and distraction.

Sad? Depressed? Tired? Heartbroken? Bored? A Hershey’s bar of chocolate isn’t going to solve the problem, but it will make you feel better for the next ten minutes.

When I’m short on time though speaking of, I will grab a couple of quick snacks to hold me over until lunch or dinner. And what do those snacks include? Maybe a bag of almonds and a bar of dark chocolate – dark because I like it and if I’m going to require more cavities in the future, I may as well eat the chocolate with a little health benefit.

The moment I take a bite of that Ghirardelli Sea Salt Caramel chocolate, my face lights up. It’s the placebo effect mixed with the anticipation of temporary satisfaction. I know I am about to feel a quick hit of endorphins from the sugar and like a genuine drug addict, I cannot wait to get that fix.

I try to curb it by limiting myself to things like dark chocolate with only the occasional pig out on ice cream or cookies. Other than, I fancy myself as someone who has a sensible diet.

Water is my main beverage of choice and I rarely drink anything beyond that and tea in the morning. However, when I drink alcohol, this is the other time I allow myself to indulge as I top off my beverages with something sweet like cranberry juice or a Capri Sun – I am a 30 year old child, let me live.

Growing up, I drank SO MUCH soda and ate an excessive amount of candy. We had those barrels of Twizzlers at all times and bottles of Pepsi and Mountain Dew perpetually on the grocery list. We drank Yoo-hoo and Arizona Iced Teas like they were truly going out of business. Our friends loved coming to our house because we had a smorgasbord of goods.

My parents were not negligent and my mother, five nights a week, had great home cooked, healthy meals. But I guess they figured there were worse things that a glass of Coca-Cola. Apparently an ingredient in Coca-Cola can be used to clean your toilet though, but hopefully that gave me a hearty immune system.

The link between sugar addiction and the genesis of mental health disorders is well researched and proven.

All those bags of M&Ms and gallons of Arizona that I consumed as a child most likely formed an even stronger itch to crave that fix and become a bit of a grump if I didn’t find even a minor way to get it immediately.

Remember those kids who we used to tease and/or judge for their parents rarely letting them drink soda or monitoring their candy intake? They don’t seem so bad now… and I bet they didn’t get fifteen fillings at the dentist’s office! It was a horror show.

Levels of anxiety, depression, diabetes and a wheelbarrow of other ailments can have something to do with disproportionate sugar consumption. Our brain cells literally take a lot of damage with the rush of sugar that we put into our bodies with the devouring of a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. Damn though, those king-sized cups really are mouth-watering.

I have had various shades of anxiety over the years and although there are many factors at play, like genetics, environment and life itself, I have wondered if the ignorance and disregard for my diet and sugar intake in my younger years was also a contributor.

Our minds and bodies are so accustomed to the routine pleasure we’ve provided it for years that it knows no better and needs to be trained to be satisfied by less harmful and more beneficial sources of sugar, like some blueberries (rolls eyes).

A couple years back, I remember seeing a clip where JLo talked about doing a challenge that consisted of no carbs and no sugar for 10 days. Never mind the carb aspect of that for a minute because that’s a whole other beast, but the sugar portion? It piqued my interest and by piqued my interest made me audibly gasp in shock.

How does one go about cutting out ALL sugar from their diet? That sounded unthinkable to me.

Lent just passed and I, a shaky Catholic at best, thought about trying to cut out some type of vice of mine for the 40 days. These sugar cravings and the concept behind Lent seemed to make a lot of sense together. We’re already about a week in though and I don’t want to get a late start to the game – maybe next time. God knows my heart.

In all seriousness though, sugar is said to fuel every cell in the brain and increase serotonin, the happy chemical; as such, our brain comes to see it as a reward. So what’s the answer to finding that gratification without causing a slew of potential health problems?

Of course, like any other area of well-being, the answer lies somewhere in between having a practical, balanced diet (remember those food pyramids in elementary school?) to stress management to moderation and getting enough sleep.

It seems that managing the impulse to inhale a dozen cookies (Girl Scout cookie season is upon us btw – Tagalongs and Thin Mints all day, but that’s neither here nor there) is just about having being mindful and striking a balance.

Chickpeas and asparagus can be great with the right amount of seasoning. But sometimes I want to wash that down with a Carvel cone or a piece of cake instead of a banana. I can do that once a week, but not every day.

When I’m exhausted from a long day and a lack of sleep from the night before, it’s easy to say f*ck it and order a pizza. Again, I can make this a Friday treat, but the other nights, I power through and make a conscientious dinner because I know what my body really needs.

This is a very ‘no shit’ moment, right? We’ve always known the answer, but it’s easy, like any other area of life, to throw caution to the wind for convenience and time and go with a simpler option that’s usually unhealthier.

I’ve sighed as I’ve written some of these thoughts because ultimately, we all want some damn sugar in our lives and we want it NOW. Like I said, Veruca was not completely wrong about wanting some immediate satisfaction. Pour some sugar on me!

Sugar. It’s a complicated relationship. Our bodies actually need it to survive and it feels both mentally and physically energizing to give our bodies what it wants. But there’s a fine line between pleasure and gluttony and health and deterioration.

So, I’m going to make some grilled chicken with quinoa and broccoli tonight because it’s delicious and healthy. However, over the weekend, I might have a couple of glazed Krispy Kreme donuts with breakfast because THAT is balance.

Untethered: Putting The Phone Down

Rotary phones. Cordless phones. Cell phones. Caller ID. Voicemail.

These are all historical pieces that have been and continue to be the evolution of the phone and communication in general.  I’m in pain and can really begin to feel my age as I realize that most people born not long after me in the late 90s/early 2000s will have little to no idea what a rotary phone was.

I remember the very early years of my life getting simple joy out of putting my finger in the rotary phone and watching it spin around with every number I dialed. I’m positive I called 911 a few times to no one’s amusement but my own. Kids, right?

In the late 90s, we got a cordless phone and it was such a game changer to the household landscape. What a relief to now be able to do three things at once with the receiver jammed in between your shoulder and ear while you shoved Doritos in your mouth and flicked around MTV and HBO.

Caller ID was so innovative when it first popped on the scene – who else remembers the little box from Bell Atlantic? Bell Atlantic is a real name of yesteryear and a marker of where telephones transformed from. They merged with another company and became Verizon in 2000! I did not know this until recently… still mind blown. #TheMoreYouKnow

I didn’t have a cell phone until I was fourteen, a little late in the game by the standards of now and the early 2000s. From the amazement of ringtones (Sky Is The Limit by Lil Wayne was a classic because I’m a tough white guy from Westchester, NY) to the ability to send/receive texts in moments, it was a whole new world at my fingertips.

Growing up for the first decade of my life with no knowledge of the infinite advances and ensuing possibilities that lay ahead in technology might be part of the reason I’m not addicted to my phone like much of my generation and the world as a whole.

I probably get it from my dad, who up until the last couple of years, did not have a cell phone and didn’t really see the merit in them either. He likes to be unable to be reached by his loving family, which I don’t blame him for. Now though, he too has become feverishly in love with his iPhone 8, an old phone for most, but the pinnacle of equipment for him.

Technology – phones in particular – arguably drives just about every single aspect of our lives now. This is not news.

Looking for a petite brunette who loves Corgis and actually enjoys Football Sundays? Bumble and Hinge have a wide assortment of potential wifeys. Just make sure you check their IG first because catfishing is still real out here.

You have a sugar craving that needs to be satisfied at 2AM? Insomnia Cookies will be at your door in twenty minutes after you use Uber Eats. Double Chocolate Chip ftw though.

Trying to gain some clarity and peace amidst the chaos of daily life with some mediation? Calm and Headspace have a plethora of soothing, healing melodic sessions for whatever you’re looking for day and night. I like the nighttime vibes because meditation knocks me the hell out.

Even an alarm for work in the morning comes with dozens of possibilities of what tune will awaken you. We’re no longer confined to the ever-jarring sound of a buzzer or a bell, but damn do those wake you up REAL quick. Some things have not changed with the times.

These are four of the simpler, typical things we can use our phone for now. From organizational tools to self-improvement to takeout to music to social media, you can get ANYTHING and EVERYTHING within a few taps on a smartphone.

But it did not used to be like this even ten years ago. You actually had to put in some effort for these things.

You had to wind up your alarm clock for a specific wake-up time. You had to go to a yoga studio or some sketchy area of a local park for a meditation class. You had to actually look up the number of an eatery and (gasp) interact on the phone with a staff member for 30 seconds to place an order. You had to go out in public, usually to a bar, to possibly meet a stranger and form a connection with them for one night or longer.

These things can still be done, but having a universally competent and useful tool in our hands at all times makes that unnecessary. Our phones really are a one-stop shop.

Listen, I love my Samsung Galaxy. Whether I’m wasting my time perusing IG, swiping left and right on Bumble, relaxing with a podcast on Spotify or placing a movie reservation on my AMC app, everything is so convenient and accessible.

I am grateful to be alive in a time of such high-tech advancement. However, a part of me revels in not being attached to my phone 24/7.

I go for walks most days and leave my phone at the house when I do. When I’m home and have no tasks at hand, I leave my phone unattended for two or three hours at a time. Shit, if I head out to the supermarket or to run some local errands, I’ve even left my phone home then and if I do bring it, there’s a good chance it’s not leaving my pocket.

Why would I do something like that? That sounds outrageous to so many of my contemporaries upon hearing that. Friends have busted my chops about this and some have even been genuinely frustrated that it took me two hours to respond to a text.

Unless we have plans or it’s a true emergency, I don’t feel the need to change my approach. I am on my phone enough.

Speaking of friends though, the phone and its excessive use relates so much to social interaction. How many times have we been with certain friends and they’re giving you faint attention while their phone gets top priority? We’re used to it by now, but there’s something very frustrating about that.

I like to enjoy my time with my circle and the principle of maintaining these connections in life has nothing to do with the iPhone – unless we’re playing Heads Up because that is still a quality game. You always get stuck with the worst partner though and don’t know until it’s too late.

I am on this overpriced gadget for just about anything I need that requires getting something done. I keep my appointments tracked with my calendar, send/receive dozens of emails a day for important (often unimportant) tasks and I probably spend a couple hours on a day talking with people in both my personal and professional lives.

I look at my Twitter feed, Instagram and Hinge profile for the first ten minutes of my day when I wake up and the last ten minutes of my night before I pass out listening to the How Did This Get Made? podcast many nights on that same phone.

I am appreciative for this phone and also so fed the fuck up of it at the same time. I just want to be left alone! (Cue violent montage of me taking a baseball bat to the windows)

I talk often about how I try to see the world through a gratitude perspective type of lens and that does not come easily or naturally given the fast-paced, restless nature of life. Part of that has to do with technology. It is THE gift and the curse.

It’s been studied, researched and proven that this constant access can be detrimental if we don’t check ourselves and take breaks from it all during the daily shuffle.

The children of the 2020s and beyond have and will encounter neurological distress without their iPad or a glowing screen at their disposal at all times. And who can blame them? That is their instinctual inclination because that is all they know whether in their family living room or a classroom.

There is a term for this – nomophobia: the genuine fear or anxiety of being detached from our phones. Sounds like part of the FOMO family.

I’ve watched my brother and friends alike, grown ass adults in their 20s and 30s, white knuckling it through an hour or two of their lives at the thought of being without a phone as the battery died or was nearing it.

How many times have you been at a restaurant or bar where someone asks the hostess or bartender if there is a nearby outlet?

We need to be up-to-date on every little detail of what’s happening and there cannot be a delay in the access. Notifications are a source of the culpability with this. Any time you receive an email, a text, a DM, a reservation notice or anything across the gamut, the screen lights up and emits whatever sound we’ve chosen. I turn those fuckers off immediately.

We are a product of our world and simultaneously both the beneficiaries and victims of its progress. It is the greatest and most helpful tool, but also the most neurotic and dangerous one as well.

I’ve had to check myself before when I’ve metaphorically been biting my nails awaiting a text, a message from a new hookup or tracking my delivery from Banana Republic (The gentleman’s store on a budget IMO). I’ve taken a step back and thought ‘I’ll be alright for twenty minutes’ and leave my phone for a bit.

I’m not just ranting here or being completely out of touch with reality. I fully understand, in many ways, we need our phones to live a ‘normal’ life in 2022. It’s the baseline at this point for so many functions and makes our lives unbelievably easier and more efficient.

It’s worth taking that step back though every once in a while or even once a day and reminding ourselves to enjoy the world in front of us. Our constantly hunched over necks and backs will also thank us in the future for saving time and money on osteoporosis bills.

The phones are our ultimate connection to the people in our lives, the world at large (especially important during these times) and our main source of organization, entertainment, information and accessibility. They’re an integral part of our fabric. But they are not everything.

So, I’m going to put my phone down for a while now, clear my mind and get out for a much needed breath of fresh air. But not to worry, I will be using it later to book tickets for The Batman and see if that doctor with the Doberman responded on Hinge.