Necessary Heartbreak: Chapters of a Breakup

Within the last few months, I went through a breakup from a relationship of over 6 years. As universally felt and imagined, it sucked.

The circumstances weren’t nasty or bitter and there weren’t constant mini world wars when we were together. This made it hurt all the more and much more confusing as my partner and I, and I say this as objectively as possible, were quite well-matched.

As I said to some friends, if we were egregiously incompatible or treated each other with a lack of respect, kindness or general concern, it would have felt much easier to cut the cord.

Without trying to sound melodramatic, it felt like my mom had died all over again and it was another huge loss in my life. I now had to learn how to navigate without this person… again.

Just like with the actual loss/death of a loved one, a breakup really does have many similar stages. There is an initial, blurry window of disbelief, followed by true grief with crying, longing and nostalgia, followed by a tug of war of denial and acceptance and then that pocket of nonchalance.

That lull of nonchalance is kind of blissful in that you’re aware that the event happened, have really begun to accept it on a rational level and know that this will take time to get through, but it has genuinely sunk into your psyche as the truth of now.

So what was/am I to do? YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON. That’s the classic train of thought we painfully know to be true and that society drills into our spirit since coming out the womb about moving forward in life after shitty events take place.

This has been the truest time period in my life where logic and emotion are engaged in the most brutal stalemate – one is edging closer at noon and by 5PM, the other is in the lead. Neither will back down.

In a very early conversation post-breakup with my now ex, I told them, ‘In some twisted way, thank you because there are some silver linings to be found’.

If you know me well, you’ve probably internally or outwardly rolled your eyes at my silver lining commentary and how it’s ‘all about perspective’. I firmly believe these sentiments, even in an uncertain time like this.

However, it has not been that simple and I have gone through a range of feelings from tentative understanding to mild depression to insatiable lust and so on. There have been stages in the fallout from the ending of this union.

A Million Pieces: The last time I saw my ex, I left their presence an absolute wreck and with an hour drive, it was a journey – Jesus take the wheel! The days and weeks that followed were confusing, devastating and barren (quite literally as it was the middle of January). I drank Tito’s in excess for the first couple of weeks and tried to brainstorm how this situation could turn around with a little fine-tuning. I spent over 6 years having laughs, making memories (lol) and sharing everything in life with this person. It just wasn’t right and as mentioned above, felt like a death. I now couldn’t connect with said person via text, GIF, call or DMs about the most trivial of nonsense like the new season of Big Mouth and important life events like getting a new job. Friends are great, but this is different. What was I going to do? Life will go on, I knew, but all the good times and the plans we had for the future were no more. I never saw a life ahead of me with a partner before this person; if that came along great, but it wasn’t a necessity. Even metaphorically shattered, I knew it’s not like life was over, but it was a time-consuming, messy adjustment.

Fringe Benefits: As hard as it was to deal with the fact that I wasn’t with my favorite person anymore, I knew there were positives to be found as I said. I have never been a person to sit around, even in depressed moments, and let my life waste away. Part of the initial motivation in wanting to put more energy into areas of my life I had been doing in a half-assed manner was to be the best version of myself should the relationship come back around. Within a month though, I knew this had to be about me and only me. If the relationship was revived, great and if not, I had been making improvements regardless. I immediately put more consciousness into my blog that I’ve been slowly trying to get off the ground, connecting with fellow writers and laying the groundwork for brand exposure. I began a more invigorated workout routine – it’s almost May and I’m nowhere near that peak summer body, but I feel great. I am in therapy every week to focus on my OCD and other predicaments that need tending to. I’m not going to be a better version of myself if I don’t do that deep psychological work. The relationship was not stopping me from doing any of these things, but its absence absolutely gave me the time and space to focus on a few very important pieces of my puzzle. It was refreshing and energizing.

Red-Blooded Man: Of course, one of the first things EVERYONE says to you when you tell them of your breakup is how ‘the best way to get over someone is to get under another’. Can we all collectively agree to be a little more creative and helpful in 2022? On the contrary, I did immediately hop back on the dating apps, but I truly had very little interest in dates or random hookups. I’m 30+ now and the thought of casual flings was/is so unappealing. I was still freshly heartbroken and engaging in said hookups would have only amplified that post-sex. However, being a young-ish man, I am still full of vigor (gross?) and with a little time, was ready to get back out there. The best part of it is that there’s no pressure or weight involved; I’m not leading anyone on that might be looking for something more either. While swiping through profiles gets tedious within about 30 seconds, I’m also a dirtbag who heavily enjoys perusing the endless eye candy in all its shapes and sizes. So yeah, maybe everyone is right – hooking up is a healing part of the breakup experience, but now I’m a little more selective about who I might put my penis in. I am sorry for how graphic that is, but this isn’t the Nickelodeon channel.

Inner Workings: Even though my ex and were very much in love, of course there were a few things we had to compromise on. For my part, I realized that I needed to be a better listener. While I didn’t intentionally ignore important things, I comprehended that maybe I didn’t fully absorb when my partner needed me to be more proactive in a couple of areas. I sat and thought for a while that it takes two and maybe they should have been more direct, but this wasn’t the blame game. I needed to be accountable for my own shit. What else are these moments for if not to become more aware and well-rounded? This was the time to do just that. Therapy is great, but I had to do this on my own and really do some soul-searching about my flaws. Speaking of hookups before, I couldn’t even contemplate and wouldn’t entertain another relationship until I’m good with myself. Why bring that into another relationship? You don’t want to repeat past mistakes; the breakup became a very educational moment above all else.

Square One: I’m about three months out of the woods with this breakup and although I’m definitely in a better headspace than I was initially, I have a ways to go. All the above is great and I feel very grateful, fulfilled and hopeful about everything from my blog to my career to my forthcoming summer physique and the whole lot. But – 6 years is 6 years. There is so much of who you are, what you’ve done and where you’ve been with one person wrapped up in that time vortex. So, I might be feeling great on a Tuesday morning after a quick workout and a pending blog release, but that night, I might be in my feelings about my ex for a few minutes after hearing a song that reminds me of them – Empire of the Sun’s “Walking on a Dream” or City Girls’ “Where The Bag At” (we were a very silly pair) for example. It’s the push and the pull at all times. I’m excited for what might be ahead and know that all I can do is keep it moving, but anything and everything can make me have that moment of heartache while I’m en route to see friends or in the middle of a TJMaxx.

Breakups. Most of us experience at least a few in our time.

Some are easier to get past, particularly if the relationship contained extremely conflicting personalities or if a true love never really formed.

Others are a little more of a shakeup to the system because they held significance and the presence of another meant more than anyone would ever know except the two of you.

There is no definitive way to get through the ensuing days, weeks and months afterwards and showing yourself a little grace and patience is paramount; but that can be a challenge as we put ourselves on a stringent timeline that no one is thinking about except us.

There are many chapters to a relationship and just as many to a breakup if/when it follows. From initial devastation to begrudging acceptance to zealous productivity to excessive lust, I’m a book full of stages. Let’s just hope the next one isn’t existential crisis because I’m not ready for neon hair and a Eurotrip is not in my budget.

Trying to Stay Alive: Tools for Sanity (Kinda)

I saw an old high school acquaintance at a supermarket the other day and the natural first questions were ‘How you been?’ and ‘What are you doing with yourself?’ to which I responded ‘Just trying to stay sane and alive’

That’s a natural ‘me’ response to that generic question you get asked whenever you see an acquaintance, priest, employer, garbage man or really anyone you cross paths with. It spices up the bullshit that is those throwaway, socially expected interactions and is… the truth.

The boo thang of this acquaintance then raised the bar of my lighthearted response with ‘All that liquor helps a lot right?’

If only he knew, I thought.

Later on, I was thinking about the numerous ways that we unwind and relax and the mechanisms/tools we use to find a bit of inner peace and maintain some level of equilibrium when things feel overbearing and uncertain.

Some aren’t the healthiest and these are always the habits or vices that are quick to hit whereas others pay big dividends over time, but definitely require more patience and fine-tuning.

Now, I’m not talking about sex (which is great) or reading a book (knowledge is power); I’m talking about more supplemental modes of happiness and indulgence. See below:

Pour It Up, Pour It Up: You’re really one of two people: one who completely understands that a strong drink is sometimes necessary to even out and take the edge off or one who thinks it is a very poor, temporary solution to relaxation. The latter has much validity, but if you keep yourself accountable and have a sense of self-control, alcohol is a great healer. It’s not socially loved to embrace the powers of alcohol for the better, but sometimes we have to be real with ourselves. Alcohol is the ultimate gift and curse in life – a phrase I’ve uttered countless times since 2007 when I was dousing myself in vodka by the boatload on a weekly (daily) basis. The approach to alcohol intake has gone through many shades and thankfully landed at a place of moderation that is more practical and ‘normal’. There are times that I don’t need a drink, but holy shit – when I take a sip of a well-made cocktail after a busy day, my worries are gone and I am laughing. That’s how I know it’s more about placebo effect for me over true vice because I barely need to smell that liquor before a smile is on my face.

All the Way Up: Friends are baffled and in disbelief when I tell them I don’t drink coffee and my brother steadily tries to peer pressure me to change my ways, but it’s true. All I need is a large cup of green tea in the morning and I’m good to go. I’m already out of my mind and what one might call a ‘live wire’ – coffee is NOT necessary. Whether you drink tea, coffee, Red Bull or take Adderall every day, who doesn’t love a little boost? Cocaine is another alternative, but that’s for another time and that’s not a sustainable way to maintain your energy level or a properly functioning body – or so I’ve heard. But now we’re getting off the rails (see how clever I am). After that shot of caffeine, aren’t we all (falsely) ready to take on the day? I’m running around, smiling like Joaquin Phoenix in Joker, laughing at myself, getting things done in a rapid fashion and feeling like nothing can bring me down. Sure, the problem might be that it wears off after a couple hours, but during those 2-3 hours? The world is yours.

Sweat, Baby, Sweat: I genuinely HATE exercising. I see it as the ultimate of necessary evils. I understand that if I don’t want my health to be in the gutter by the time I hit 50 (God willing, it’s a battle out here) or even just in the present, I have to put in some time with the gym. I’m a huge walker, which is in my favor, but other than that, I’ve had to dig deep to find the motivation. The motivation wasn’t hard to find as I am a very vain person and it’s undeniable after a few months of consistency and melodramatic instances of wanting to pass out that I look and feel better. I fancy myself a mildly attractive guy and having even the slightest of toned areas on my body only fuels my delusions of grandeur. Listen, you have to enjoy it while you have it, right? I’m not looking at myself in the mirror often or taking incessant selfies like a modern-day Narcissus, but – I’m not mad at the end product either. It’s for me, not you. I do envy people that are at an Orangetheory class at 6AM five days a week – who are these people? But you know what? They’re feeling good about themselves and trying to look like whole snacks in the process. The mental and physical benefits of a little exercise don’t always present themselves when you’re feeling faint on that Peloton, but it’s worth it.

Seeing Green: Listen, it’s 2022 and if you’re still feeling a negative way about weed or marijuana-related products, I am politely telling you to rethink your stance. The benefits of THC are well-studied and it comes from the earth, so it’s pretty much all-natural or at least that’s what we’ll ride with. I used to partake to a degree that some of those ‘Just Say No’ campaigns were modeled after, but I also had no priorities during that time. These days, I particularly love the CBD/THC blends that come in gummy form. Edibles are a shaky roll of the dice, but if you do a little briefing on the product lines, the bliss attained after a long day or just on a Sunday afternoon from this is bar none. I will forever tell a story about being out in California with my partner and cautiously taking some gummies almost every night after our day’s travels and sightseeing. When I use the words, ‘I could’ve died on that couch and been happy’, I am not exaggerating. I wasn’t a changed person; I was the most relaxed I’ve ever been in my life though. I got some of the best sleeps of my life and felt great the next day, ready to go stroll the Santa Monica Pier and play with the koalas at the San Diego Zoo.

Chemical Lifts: There are an endless amount of pharmaceuticals on the market that can help people achieve some type of homeostasis with the chemicals in their brain. Now more than ever, the antiquated ideologies behind hiding our mental health issues are fading and any shame, guilt or embarrassment millions have or had are dissolving. We all have our shit – point blank period. None of us are the pinnacle of mental health. Our world in this era – full of complete chaos – is a hazy forest to navigate. While it is said you shouldn’t take handfuls of vitamins unless your blood tests show deficiency, there is research that we’re not getting the necessary nutrients in our food anymore. With that, the wonders and horrors of technology and just being a live human with emotions and reactions, sometimes you need a little something more. I had a tumultuous senior year of college, left halfway through and returned to finish with Celexa in my body. I took it for 4 years and noticed no tangible benefits, but I’m still grateful to have taken it as I strongly believe that extra boost of serotonin probably helped me from slipping into old patterns that pushed me to leave in the first place. It helps millions live a fully realized life, so why not?

Cleaning out the Attic: I couldn’t even estimate how many times I’ve begun a steady cycle of meditation and then dropped it a few weeks later. After reading that book Atomic Habits by James Clear (great read on re-examining our behaviors), I gave more conscious energy to the practice of meditation. I set an alarm in my phone every morning and take 10 minutes to myself. It’s not easy to not let your mind wander and with distractions EVERYWHERE, it takes dedication and focus – none of which I have most times, but definitely not at 8AM. I like the guided meditations though that are easily accessible on YouTube or on the Headspace and Calm apps. Some of the instructors sound like they’re talking to a litter of puppies in a voice that feels wildly patronizing, but something about what they’re saying also really resonates with me. The truth is you are what you think and you choose to focus your energy on the good, bad or indifferent. We’re complicated beings and not every day is going to be this sunshine bliss they describe in these sessions, but I’ve come to find being steady in my mindfulness efforts does pay off. I feel a little more grounded and peaceful. I didn’t even fly into an expected road rage when someone cut me off yesterday – and I’m from New York so you know that’s progress.

Some of these alternatives aren’t necessary, but who’s to say? Their powers of healing, serenity and productivity are all a matter of preference and context.

Sure, we all need to learn how to find that stability on our own without the assistance of anything mentioned above.

But life is short (or long depending on the day/week/month/year) and anything that’s going to provide the right amount of happiness in whatever form it comes is not something to be passed up.

Everyone is getting it from somewhere and if my weed gummies are doing it for me after a particularly stressful Tuesday, I’m okay with that. Like I said, we’re all just trying to stay sane and alive.

All in the Timing: Does Time Really Matter?

‘Time heals all wounds’, ‘time is money’ and ‘the time is now’ – just a few of the classic, overused phrases we’ve heard for our entire lives regarding the passage of time and its significance.

It affects every aspect of our lives, whether we embrace it or have no regard for it.

Whether we’re out with friends having a good night and not caring about how much time is passing, being a bum on the couch letting a few hours slip by as you watch another episode of Stranger Things (Season 4 is so soon!), nervously eyeing that calendar as the due date for a new baby approaches or waiting for a soufflé to be done in the oven, we are bound by that ticking clock.

Our lives are dictated by it in every way: by the amount of time we have to be at work, the amount of the time we spend at the gym, the amount of time we can allot for relaxation, the amount of time we HOPE to sleep every night (CBD oil ftw) and the amount of time we have to fit everything else in.

Some people are more relaxed and let things come as they may outside of obligations while others have a system in place with a calendar that lets them control how they’re going to spend their time and in what order.

In more recent years, there has been debate and wonder over the ‘illusion’ of time and if time is a ‘man-made construct’.

There are a plethora of renowned members of the science community that hypothesize time is simply our memories of the past, the future is obviously unknown and in truth, all we have and all that has ever been is right now in this moment.

This idea overlaps with the philosophies of mindfulness, meditation and the like about living in the ‘now’ and being able to shift your energy to the present on what’s important today.

But life isn’t that simple. Until we’ve gotten a clear reading from our friends over at NASA, most of us live a little differently. Life events happen that force us to view time as a very important object and, contrary to the above; none of us can control it, rewind it or fast forward it.

From birthdays to deaths to relationships to hobbies and everything else, time, its trickle down effects and our interpretation of it is a tangled web.

When does time matter? When doesn’t it?

Death: ‘When your time’s up, your time’s up’ and ‘time waits for no man’ are two extremely pleasant phrases my mother used to say to me in regards to life and death. Since her unexpected death 5 years ago, it’s been a very surreal experience that, like a pendulum swinging back and forth, is manageable and fine one day and soul-crushing the next. Countless conversations with those that have also lost close loved ones confirm this universal sentiment. It’ll come at the most predictable times, like on their birthday or Christmas morning, but then also at the most random times, like listening to Justin Bieber’s ‘Ghost’ in the ShopRite parking lot – judge me all you must. In the immediate and long-term sense, your brain and body have a certain level of self-preservation, allowing us to survive without said presence in our daily proceedings. However, it’s hard to say if time ever heals this wound completely. It can be reopened an infinite amount of times. Time seems irrelevant in this case.

Heartbreak: This may be the silliest of time-affected situations to reference; it’s only been a few months since my relationship of 6 years ended. Of course I am still heartbroken and out of sorts after the dissolution of something so substantial and consistent. I’ve went through usual phases, like wondering how I was going to proceed without this person in my life to imagining how maybe things would come back around to accepting that even though it hurt, it came with its own set of twisted silver linings. It made me aware that though our connection was solid, the time and space was necessary to focus on ourselves. As the weeks pass, some things feel shittier. That silly meme? That new job offer? Being sick the last week? I can’t text/call this person anymore like I would. I can’t have them by my side to talk to, cuddle with and whatever else. The last one might be for the better because I’m a nightmare when I’m under the weather. I am better than I was at first and know that as the next weeks and months go by, I will have more perspective on it. This is an instance that will take some time.

Exes: Speaking of love and romance, a couple of Saturdays ago, I saw one of my exes for the first time in almost 8 years. It was wild when we sat and realized how long it had been. After being friendly for the last few years and making half-assed attempts to hang out for a while, it was time to reconvene. He was the first person I ever truly loved and we were only together for 5 months. I laugh when I think at how rapidly everything came and went, but it was that proverbial intense love affair – a lot of mental and physical heat (It was never not the time, you know?). We hung out, chatted about life, ate pizza, played games and had a great day and just as expected, there were no romantic vibes. It was a true full circle moment. Time had passed and even though we are the same at our cores, the two of us are much different in our approach than 8 years ago. The connection feels familiar, fun and low-maintenance. In this way, time was a true healer and allowed me to have a renewed, progressed relationship from my past.

Friendships: I have friends from all stages of life: preschool, elementary school, high school, college and beyond. A large majority of my friendships have stayed intact because I make a very intentional effort to stay connected – not giving myself all the credit (side eye). Some have come and went for various reasons and those were life lessons in themselves; however, the ones that remain are invaluable. These bonds take effort, patience and and awareness that life is bigger than YOUR wants and needs. Everyone has priorities, families, struggles and so on. In this regard, time does and does not matter. It does matter in the sense that when we do get the opportunity to get together, we cherish it that much more because it doesn’t happen every week like it used to. Also, even though we’re largely the same, we’ve all changed a bit and that takes some adjusting. The environment might look different with kids needing diaper changes or Paw Patrol being on in the background, but the bonds remain. Time does not matter in this sense because even if getting in touch with some friends can be a hurdle these days, you know that the relationships are tight regardless. For the petty squabbles that do occur occasionally because as old as we are, shit happens, a little time usually allows for the grace of knowing your friendship is stronger than trivial disagreements.

Hobbies: What do you do with your time outside of a job and other commitments? That is a question I’ve thought about a lot in the last few months. For our hobbies, time can make all the difference in becoming more skilled or seasoned at our preferred activities. From someone like me who has spent years and thousands of hours honing the written word and feeling that I am still only halfway there (we’re living on a prayer – get it?) to sports players to avid gamers to painters to even people that love knitting, we all spend our leisure time doing something we enjoy and that can be useful. You’re not a pro from the jump. They take passion, dedication and above all, they take time. Are you using that leisure window wisely?

Career: It’s getting said more and more as the years pass that you should ‘work to live and not live to work’, but for many of us, we are still going to be in those offices 40+ hours a week to get that paycheck. There might be a side hustle that is being crafted in our spare time and a brand that is slowly growing in whatever avenue, but that 9-5 is calling if we want to have a home and food. But you also hear the standard tale about people working for a company or in an industry for their entire lives that they barely enjoyed and consequently, have regrets or the sage advice to pass down to the next generation about doing what they love or taking the leap etc. Writing is only my side hustle at the moment, but I’m working on changing that and putting in the necessary time because I cannot imagine spending 30-40 years doing something I don’t enjoy. Money is a motive, but my peace of mind and feeling of fulfillment is important too. How much time do we have to waste doing shit that doesn’t make us happy?

Time. Does it matter? It appears very situational and driven by personal perspective.

Even if it is just the here and now, we’ve still lived a life of those present moments that brought us here.

Some of those instants were unexpected and tragic, leading us to a headspace that, no matter the length of time, left a mark on us.

Some of those moments made up a beautiful, defining period of our lives that opened our eyes to how it feels to be enmeshed in someone/something so meaningful.

And some of those minutes/hours/weeks collectively built us into the people we are with personality traits, skills and knowledge that we wouldn’t have had otherwise.

So time is definitely a convoluted concept. It can help, it can hurt and it can allow us to see how far we’ve come and how times truly do change.

You know where time really doesn’t seem to matter though? Any DMV you’ve walked into in your life. No one can even debate that one. That is a continuum in itself. WHAT is going on in there?