‘Nobody likes a liar, Mark’ were the words my mom said to me during my childhood when I tried to evade accountability for a minor transgression, like accidentally breaking a valuable item or eating more cookies before dinner than reasonable.
I guess that lesson became immediately engrained in my growing brain as honesty became quite possible the important quality to me and in my life. Humor runs a close second as it has helped me out of some dark holes and life is too unpredictable to not laugh at the chaos.
But alas, honesty is paramount.
I’ve long valued transparency as a guiding force throughout my relationship with myself, my relationships with everyone around me and credit it for helping me sustain concrete connections and getting me where I am today.
Where am I today? Not at the top floor of a high-rise, but one step at a time.
Honesty, though, isn’t such a black and white concept generally. There are gray areas. It has its pros and cons.
For all of us, it’s a long learning curve that takes fine-tuning with age, trial and error and various circumstances. No matter what though, I couldn’t help but speak my truth. It’s just my way.
In my younger years, I never meant any harm, but was point blank tactless in much of my delivery and consequently got into enough squabbles – more than I would have imagined for being upfront. My brand of the truth has always been no holds barred, but these days I know how to craft what I’m saying so that it’s understood my intent isn’t malicious.
When is honesty necessary though?
I would argue always – how else do we live life in a real and meaningful manner? How are we going to build loyal, supportive and, most important here, credible relationships?
Nuance: From family members to romantic partners to close friendship to work associates, there are shades and levels of honesty. Some require more diplomatic handling, whereas others have no boundaries. I’m not going to talk to my brother in the same fashion I’d approach a stranger on the street – I’m not approaching too many strangers on a daily basis, but you get me. At work, it is a common theme to craft our responses in a polite and proper manner. Sometimes, that comes with the proverbial veneer of cheer and smiles that you don’t always feel like putting on (I’ll get right on that boss aka how about you go fuck yourself?) On the other hand, the casually carefree way that we communicate with family and close friends is a different world. This isn’t necessarily being dishonest in your personal life in comparison to the professional world; it’s just fine-tuning your honesty to cater to the environment.
Sugarcoating & White Lies: Sometimes we lie or omit certain details to make someone feel better, spare them from feelings of insecurity and anxiety or to spare them from the small and big headaches of something they really don’t need to be bothered with. I would’ve argued lying is never acceptable in years gone by because of the value I place on honesty, but case in point: a friend once asked me if she looked fat and I told her she could afford to pull her shirt down. She was offended and I immediately apologized, but in my defense, while she was not overweight, her shirt was up enough to expose a pouch that I thought most would cover. I felt like I was being a good friend and doing her a favor! Lesson learned. From that moment on, anything resembling something of this variety will elicit, “It’s fine” or “You look great” from me – with blatant exceptions of course. These are generally low stake scenarios and not moments that have serious weight – ones where someone like me can bypass any feelings of guilt I might feel about more meaningful deception.
Status/Self-Esteem: Lying to make yourself look better in others’ eyes or feel more confidence through societal praise and/or most importantly, to get ahead in some capacity is the most prominent and low-down type of dishonesty. Who among us, particularly in our formative years, didn’t commit this crime once or twice? I, a gay man, once did not confirm nor deny the inquires of some classmates in high school about my speculated relationship with a friend. This led to a swift dissolution of said friendship, but I was insecure about my sexuality and desired the approval of my peers – a tale as old as time. Now? I would’ve been out here talking about that hot Latin transfer I wanted to see naked. It wasn’t my finest moment, but I did make amends with said friend. This extends throughout adulthood too. People embellish the scope of their careers, financial standing, skill set and whatever else to be viewed favorably. Why? Because in a twisted way, social status is a valuable currency and quite frankly, could lead to a better job, connections with desired suitors or circle of like-minded individuals. Most of this, aside from possible financial success of career-related fibs, is done to boost our ego. Is it wrong? Yes. Can it help someone get to where they want? Also, yes. But at what cost?
Heartache/For the Greater Good: Money woes? Health scares? Extramarital affairs? Lies of this variety, while also with shades, are many a time hidden from loved ones because of the fallout they can bring. A close family member of mine had taken out a mortgage on both their home and business after some financial missteps. It wasn’t long before both they and their spouse were in court trying to block the bank from putting their house into foreclosure. They were still okay money-wise, but things were not what they once were, especially in the relationship. Trust was lost and had to be rebuilt over time. This person was doing this because they didn’t want to instill fear and panic. They also told me later they felt like a bit of a failure in not feeling like they were providing and losing control. Their ego was involved too – it wasn’t completely altruistic. In my first relationship, I grew dissatisfied with my partner and found myself in a precarious moment where I hooked up with someone else. I held it close to the chest for a week before I confessed to the cheating because I couldn’t be deceitful like that. We stayed together for another six months. Karma came back around when another partner committed a couple of misdeeds against me. In this case, I knew I had done something wrong and didn’t want to lose an at-the-time valuable connection. This was more selfish than the first situation, but also, I didn’t want to hurt the person I loved. It was dual-sided. Sometimes, you’re not being honest to save yourself from the consequences; sometimes, you’re not being honest to save a loved one from potential heartache and headache. Either way, it usually all comes to light.
Surprise & Joy: The most acceptable and unrecognized type of ‘good lie’ though is when the fibber is doing it for another person’s actual and eventual satisfaction. If there is a baby or bridal shower, said person might be kept in the dark about the details of the event or not know at all. A surprise birthday party, while not always a beloved event, is a time many are lied to with the expectation that the look of joyous shock on the person’s face when people yell ‘surprise!’ is worth deceiving them for the weeks or months leading up to it. Even if a person doesn’t love surprises, they won’t mind the omission of details about a person, place or event when the result is happiness in the form of a party, gifts, food, travel and whatever else comes out of these occasions. I don’t like to be the center of attention, but if I walk into a party that I didn’t have to lift a finger in the planning of and it’s all for me, I wouldn’t be mad either. Take note, friends.
Can any of us really be honest 100% of the time?
From workplace civilities where we’re resisting the urge to verbally assault a coworker to matters of the heart where we don’t want to ruin a 10 year relationship to throwing our friend a surprise 30th to perhaps embellishing a part of our lives to appear more desirable in social circles, honesty can come with asterisks for many people and scenarios.
It doesn’t necessarily make us unsavory people; it just might mean that life is not always so black and white and not as brutally honest as I was at 18, offending people often with my words and learning the art of diplomacy.
I’ll maintain my stance on being honest 100% of the time because I think it’s the only way to live a life of integrity.
Then again, I did tell a friend recently to shoot his shot with a girl I knew he had no chance with. So, maybe I’m a walking contradiction AND a good friend? I don’t know.
mark.angiello 