Let Me Check My Calendar: Friend Prototypes in Your 30s

If you haven’t heard the words referenced in the title while trying to make plans with your good friends in recent years, then God bless you and consider me the darkest shade of envious green.

Gone are the days when getting together with even two friends wasn’t a process and didn’t require syncing schedules and eyeing out five possible weekends. Actually no, March 14^th won’t work – I have my cousin’s brother-in-law’s daughter’s Sweet Sixteen that day.

This is the natural evolution of life. The days of no priorities, lounging, partying and completely carefree living have been replaced with managing our time effectively between jobs, families, household needs, grocery runs, side projects and events, like birthdays, weddings, funerals and anything else that fills up an afternoon.

Bottles of Smirnoff have been replaced by baby bottles and reusable water jugs (Hydro Flask for the win) and bags of weed –wait, those haven’t been replaced. SOME things stay the same. It’s not bags though these days, but jars of weed from a legitimate, reputable company. Try out Kiva Camino gummies – gloriousness, but I digress.

Friendships are still part of the mix and technology makes it so easy to stay connected via text, call, and all forms of social media. I know about the activities of some close friends’ lives almost exclusively through Instagram stories. We all know it hit a point in our mid-late 20s when extra effort became required to sustain these bonds and see some of our closest friends even twice a year.

Some psychology studies have reported ‘if a friendship lasts longer than seven years, it will last a lifetime’. What a nice, Hallmark Channel movie sentiment, right? I don’t want to brag or anything because God knows I’m not always a delight, but I’ve upheld enough long friendships to support this research – slow golf clap for me.

What types of friends are we or do we have these days? That definition has changed from the ages of 15 to 30-something and the archetypes have evolved as well.

Day Ones: No new friends, no new friends. But in all seriousness, these are the friends that have been there from braces and AIM away messages to blacked out evenings at the bar to the heartbreak moments of life and everything in between. They know where all the bodies are buried and a simple, knowing look in their direction will prompt loud, inappropriate laughter. You might not live 5 minutes away from them anymore, but you’re always connected and that won’t change. These are also the people you can send three unanswered texts in a row and not feel desperate or clingy, but maybe that’s just what I tell myself.

Eternal Partier: We all have a couple of friends that are still routinely going out to the bars and LIVING aka getting hammered, chain smoking and potentially hopping on a plane to a tropical destination at a moment’s notice. Many of them hold full-time jobs and seemingly have many other pieces of the puzzle in order, but it is both impressive and befuddling how these people manage to stay afloat. You’re amazed at how their body is still handling the chaos though. Maybe it’s the energy drinks (wink, wink) or maybe they just hate being home alone and have a restless personality indicative of a mental health problem; negative possibilities aside, these people can always be called for a good time. You do worry about them, but at least it’ll never be said they were boring.

Overbooked: This friend usually has to ‘get back to you’ or ‘let you know’ and will leave you on read for weeks at a time because their life is SO BUSY. They are the personification of the title of this post (let me check my calendar). They have great intentions and want to see everyone, but they stretch themselves so thin. Whether they’re preoccupied with work, kids, extracurricular activities etc., they will be booked for three months before they can even contemplate making plans, unless it’s a random time, like 2PM on a Wednesday afternoon – and that usually is not a convenient time. This isn’t to label them a shit friend – they’re just always on the go and if you can get them to commit to even a coffee at a Starbucks, just let it be.

Incommunicado: I have a handful of friends who I would not know if they were dead or alive other than the occasional, 3-word response they throw out in the group text or the sporadic social media post of their pet. This would feel more personal generally, but this is how they operate with everyone. We all have different approaches to socialization and some of us need more solitude than others, but whew – why even have a phone? I also leave my phone unattended for hours when I’m home so – pot meet kettle. I’ve had to learn about maturity and self-centeredness in realizing like I said, people operate differently and I’m not top priority, but also… show me some love dammit! I’m needy.

Instagram Impresario: I suppose there is some contradiction here in that I am promoting my written word and I’m about to come for those doing something similar. However, hypocrisy aside, just walk with me for a few. These are the friends that have 40 small stories on their IG. Whether they used to eat like shit, drink excessively and do drugs or they’ve always had health and fitness at the core of their value system, this friend is ALL ABOUT THE GYM. There aren’t enough mirror selfies in the world to make it clear that they’re at the gym. There are other shades of the social media impresario that come in folks promoting the brand (pyramid scheme) they’ve begun to work for, like a skincare line or a travel/event company. Then, there are those promoting something more meaningful, like social justice causes and political reforms. Kudos to these folks on their consistency, but holy shit – where is the mute function? Do I sound like a hater? Maybe. But am I right? Absolutely.

Mom of 2: This faction has been growing and continues to grow with time – reproduction is just how the world keeps going or so they tell me. Remember, condoms and birth control aren’t 100% effective. Almost any of my friends who now has a kid or three used to be the wildest member of our friend group, slamming back eight shots a night and making dubious decisions on a weekly (daily) basis. Now, they’ve gone either two ways. They are still the same brazen and hilarious person you’ve known, but with two kids – or they have turned into Mother Teresa and will preach to you about the wonders of a good tile cleaner and gets uptight when the word ‘shit’ is dropped in conversation around their baby. Excuse me? They’re still some of your favorite people, but you look forward to the day when their child is of age and can hear about Mom on the booze cruise in Mexico circa 2012.

Homebody/Recluse: Somewhat similar to those friends that are generally incommunicado, this friend has little intention of regular socializing. They really love their solitude and are content to many a night in front of their computer or the TV. I get it – sometimes I want to be left the fuck alone too and on weekdays, after work has depleted our energy, I’m staying put on my couch. This friend makes that a weekend ritual too and will blame it on errands or household chores, which are valid, but they simply can’t be bothered. Is it social anxiety? Is it a complete lack of interest in more than seeing 2 people at once? Who knows. They will exit their cocoon after enough harassment when you guilt trip them that it’s been 6 months because that’s what good friends do.

Events Only: There are some people who are great acquaintances – you may even consider them to be light friends, but you only see them at bigger occasions, like a birthday or a wedding. Sometimes, people like these are just part of the larger group dynamic and there feels like no basis for you to see them otherwise. When you do see them though, it is always an enjoyable time full of bawdy laughs. You sometimes wonder why you and this person aren’t better friends and only leave each other a silly IG comment here and there. You have their phone number and might even text occasionally but neither one of you is making any big move to change that either. But sometimes that’s the perfect level of connection and why ruin a good thing?

What is a friend anyway? That definition changes quite a bit over the course of the stages of our lives. We come in all shapes and sizes, like mentioned above and when the bonds are still enjoyable and loyal from 2005 til now, it’s the real deal. Thank God for Facebook memories though to remind us of the shameful antics that cemented our friendships over said years.

I have friends from all different walks of life with various mentalities and don’t judge any of them for our differences. It’s a coat of many colors (not Joseph’s technicolored one though – this isn’t a religious post) and how we’ve evolved from the days of spiky, gelled-up hair, Ed Hardy T-shirts, Chinese slippers and trashy $10 vodka to baby bottles, meal prep delivery companies and Dad bods is a beautiful thing – well, maybe not that last one.

You know one thing that hasn’t changed? The 99 cent cans of Arizona at the gas station. Now that has staying power!

A Whole New World: Disney Classics through Adult Eyes

With the release of Disney+ in recent times, I was immediately transported back to the 90s. I grew up in the golden era of many beloved movies – a period known as the Disney Renaissance. This is the decade where Disney revitalized their shaky children’s film brand (after a huge slump in the 80s, which is worth researching) and released all the classics that my generation loves.

I didn’t take full advantage of the streaming service until the beginning of the initial quarantine times. It was a glorious silver lining of the pandemic to re-watch all of these old school gems.

Now, I’m not just talking The Lion King and Aladdin, arguably the top two contenders. I went into the archives and began watching everything, even The Three Caballeros – not a must-see, but I was doing a deep dive into history.

And wow. We’ve all heard over the years about all the hidden, raunchy innuendos and flat out problematic material dropped in these movies, but hearing/seeing it as an adult, it’s a mix of comical, eye-opening and mystifying.

There is also a lot more violence than I remember. Snow White straight up almost gets shanked by The Huntsman before escaping into the forest. But the biggest thing to comment on is how most of the premises are completely ludicrous. These are children movies of course, but this is extreme.

All these movies have such questionable undertones and plot points that just make you think ‘…What?’

Parental Dysfunction

Whether it was a parent that was viciously killed, a stepmother with seedy intentions or a king that ruled with an iron fist (or trident in one case), there were some peculiar parental themes.

Probably the most discussed and noticeable of the themes in a majority of the movies is a dead parent or two. From the unforgettable murders of Mufasa and Bambi’s mom to protagonists just being orphaned from the jump like Cinderella and Aladdin, the lack of guidance pushes certain narratives.

The Lion King might be the only one that does it right though. Mufasa is famously trampled to death by the stampede as a result of Scar, the embodiment of sibling rivalry gone terribly off the rails. My brother and I have a rocky relationship, but damn – there are levels to this thing.

Simba then goes through a fairly realistic period of grief where he mourns his father’s death and tries to figure out his place in the circle of life (love that song). For a movie about the animal kingdom, it does an amazing job at depicting loss and redemption.

The death of Bambi’s mother, while also classic, leaves something to be desired in retrospect. She gets shot, Bambi cries for about five seconds, his father takes him off and in the next scene, he, Thumper and Flower are lusting their prospective mates. One season or three months later and Bambi is over his mom’s death and ready to have sex. Seems reasonable.

In other movies though, the dead parents – usually mothers because we need these teenage girls to be fucked up in the head – are essentially inferred, but barely discussed. Most of the fathers are barely, if at all, around or don’t offer much guidance and the maternal nurturing is nonexistent, particularly with nasty stepparents.

Lady Tremaine, the manipulative stepmother from Cinderella, does everything in her power to keep the titular character in the dark. From having her dress ripped up to straight up locking her away in the attic, this woman is RUTHLESS. She even maneuvers it so that the glass slipper breaks – and at what cost? If she’d been nice to little Cindy, she could’ve been living luxuriously in the castle too. That is a great case of not playing your hand well.

King Triton has good intentions, but he too is the epitome of tough love pushing children to do the exact opposite – and usually for the much worse. Thinking father knows best, he destroys her grotto full of ‘thingamabobs’ and ‘dinglehoppers’. This act shoves Ariel right into making what may be akin to the wildest loan shark scenario decision with Ursula. Your voice for legs? Whew – ain’t no man that good, red. Eventually King Triton comes around, but if only he knew the trickle effects.

Reasonable Insanity

Maybe I’m also on the verge of evildoing, but I think many of these ‘villains’ had good reason to be pissed off and act completely unhinged.

Take Scar, for example. He’s probably the easiest one to identify and empathize with. He was next in line for the throne after Mufasa and then comes along Simba, who’s so naively obnoxious and proud about his impending crown (He just can’t wait to be king – The Lion King was stacked with bops). Killing your brother and framing your nephew is kind of wild. I get his point though – family is rough sometimes.

Hades from Hercules shares a similar vein. He is delegated the delight of commandeering the Underworld, just seeing dead people all millennia long in a dark pit beneath the earth. Hercules steals his last chance and ounce of hope of getting anywhere near Mount Olympus. Again, trying to murder a baby is hard to reconcile, but… getting the short end of the stick in inheritances can cause irrational behavior.

A very underrated motivation is that of Captain Hook from Peter Pan. I didn’t remember until I watched the movie, but Peter Pan cut his hand off! What?! Whatever the circumstances, if someone was the cause of my missing hand, I might want revenge too. Peter Pan and the Neverland Boys are harassing him the whole movie too. He wanted to teach these kids a lesson. Trying to blow up their hideout was excessive… but they found out.

Finally, a small nod to The Evil Queen from Snow White (real name Queen Grimhilde – who knew?). She hated Snow White purely because she was the fairest in the land – according to a mirror; so from the jump, petty and dramatic. Haven’t we all been susceptible to some deranged jealousy at times? I’m just saying. In these Instagram-filled days, this one rings very relevant.

Unhealthy Love Languages

A majority of the princesses had very baffling ideas of what a healthy relationship should look like. I know things were different in the 1400s, but these tales were bonkers.

I don’t want to betray my fellow redheads, but Ariel is the worst offender. She never met Prince Eric, talked to him or had any real information that would lead her to believe he was a solid partner. She was probably fed up of hearing Sebastian give her orders and Flounder bitching and moaning that anyone would’ve looked like a golden opportunity. As aforementioned, her voice though?! How is this man going to learn anything about you? If anything, The Little Mermaid teaches us about sheer lust and vanity.

Then, Snow White. I mean, fine, the guy awoke you from a slumber and therefore, you felt like your flirtatious vibes had to be something more. But what a creep, huh? I’d be a little more concerned about the fact that The Prince (he didn’t need a name in 1937) was a borderline necrophiliac kissing a dead girl over riding off into the sunset.

There are some similar vibes in Sleeping Beauty, but Aurora actually knew Prince Phillip a little bit. Still, sexual assault auras present. She was going to die though so – fair enough.

Belle fell in love with a straight up animal – Bestiality 101. Again, there was a curse and he turned out to be a handsome prince and the whole spiel, but come on. Wasn’t she supposed to extremely well-read? How lonely was this girl? Gaston might’ve been an asshole, but he wasn’t a straight up beast. He did have a great castle, complete with servants though – a lot of gold-digger themes I’m sensing. Yeah, try to play that ‘true love’ card somewhere else.

Their overly optimistic – and that’s a euphemism – approaches and longing for the fairytale ending could be construed as a desperate codependency on another to fill a gap that was left from the lack of parental love and assurance. Did they all wind up happily ever after? Sure, but we don’t know what those relationships were like after midnight (Get it?)

And those are just some of the main contentious concepts in these movies. I can’t even begin to touch on the racial offenses, but at least the last decade they’ve been trying to turn the page on that and show more representation and equality.

Also, someone call PETA because these princes and princesses were using these animals in every way and then shoved them off into the bushes when their prospective lover showed up. The animal sidekicks were always seen as a source of comic relief and cute additions, but wow, they got the shaft sometimes.

But I digress! Digging into the past and having endless nostalgia via Disney+ has been a real magic carpet ride through the hallucinogenic-filled wonderland that is these classic movies. They are still quality films in many regards, but apparently social norms are definitely different under the sea. That was terrible, but I stand by it.

Remember When? Our Eternal Nostalgia

It was announced last week that there would be a reboot of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Who doesn’t love Will Smith? If it’s you – kindly see yourself out. My initial thought though was ‘Do we really need that? Why? What are they going to do that’s different than the original?’

My snap judgment was premature as the revamp is set to be a completely different style and tone set as a more dramatic version… and now I am interested in what that will look like.

But it gave me pause and had me thinking about the never-ending revivals we see constantly. It seems like every other week, there’s a reconstructed version of an old TV show, movie, song or even occasionally book. It can appear like there is a complete lack of original concepts.

Sure, there’s a certain excitement that comes with hearing about something you once loved, like The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, which was considered a hallmark of its time. But on the other hand, what else is out there that hasn’t been done already?

Half the pieces of pop culture that get modernized are completely lackluster, such as Arrested Development, Fuller House etc. Some of the comebacks are overshadowed by some type of controversy, like Roseanne. A select few though do work out and bring us an updated, relevant version of the past effort, like Queer Eye.

When it comes to music, it has always been said there is nothing truly original anymore as all new songs are just recycled beats or rhythms that have been created in years gone by and turned into something that sounds innovative and different.

There is plenty of fresh music out today that I enjoy and immediately listen to five times over – ‘Roses’, ‘Blinding Lights’ and even ‘WAP’ to name a few. If you don’t know what ‘WAP’ means… don’t worry about it.

But then there are dozens of songs that I have on repeat that I’ve been enjoying over the decades – ‘What I Got’ by Sublime, ‘Ready Or Not’ by The Fugees and ‘Lollipop’ by Lil Wayne are some classics.

Anyone that really knows me knows I can be an overly sentimental fool who loves anything that provides an uplifting moment. My love of old school pop culture is no exception.

I habitually sit and enjoy old cartoons, like Hey Arnold!, Doug, Daria etc. With the introduction of Disney+, I took it upon myself to watch some of the old animated films that I hadn’t seen or couldn’t remember, including Alice in Wonderland, Peter Pan and Mulan.

People regularly have ‘collector item’ editions and boxed sets of series like The Godfather and Harry Potter or an autographed baseball from the Yankees back in 1996. The Yankees because… who else really matters?

It’s a step back into our younger years; it feels familiar and evokes a subconscious feeling of security and warmth. It can take you out of the stressors of now and provide a certain comfort and relief.

There’s nothing wrong with all that past entertainment or a new variation of it, but what’s wrong with today… today? (Any Empire Records fans?) Well, plenty as we sit in the middle of a pandemic, but we’ve always got an abundance of ever-evolving source material to be made into something appetizing.

It all ties in to humans being creatures of habit to some degree and even if we are open to new ideas, experiences and chapters of our lives, we enjoy familiarity. It’s like an old friend that we can always rely on to provide us with good vibes.

Speaking of friends, the waves of nostalgia are consistently reminisced amongst family and friends just the same as pop culture puts out all these revivals. We talk about fun and wild times of yesteryear, we talk about events or moments in history that were pivotal and look back on a lot of it with an intense fondness.

In a couple of group texts, my friends and I stay talking about our current lives and happenings, but also drift back into the ridiculousness of our college days plenty too. It’s funny, endearing and reminds us of how far we’ve all come and how amazing it is that we still maintain strong bonds.

At what point is it enough though? There has to be an on and off switch with moments like that; otherwise, there is no being in THIS moment now and moving forward into the future.

Speaking of, I once returned to my college campus on the way back down I-95 and it was a great, but necessary moment. The campus was still so welcoming and picturesque (for its tuition, it better be) and it gave me a true jolt of happiness. On the flipside, it was also somewhat depressing. It reminded me of what will never be again – for better and worse. Those times were priceless, but I’m also content with being this age and enjoy the person I’ve become… usually.

During this time of life, where so many things are uncertain and tense, particularly right now being in the middle of a global crisis, it is soothing, familiar and heartwarming to enjoy some old school content in all its gloriousness.

I see the value in that as a reference point, but I also see the value in being in the ‘now’ and trying to make today just as happy and memorable. That can feel corny to say or hear, but two things can be true.

Life is about balance and I believe the constant nostalgia is no different. Look back with affection, but keep ourselves in the moment today to use that experience for something different and better.

There’s so much more to be said and done than what was already said and done last year or 20 years ago. Let’s keep it fresh and new.

All that said, there are some upcoming reboots that I can’t wait for, like The Sopranos prequel The Many Saints of Newark. Also, Ren & Stimpy because I mean… come on. Happy Happy Joy Joy!