To Be a Hoe or To Be Alone: An Evolving Dilemma

This past Sunday, I was both thoroughly enjoying myself and also mildly disgusted by myself as I was chatting up four different guys in my texts.

The world knows no coincidences as the song ‘LMK’ by the truly underrated artist Kelela came on one of my mixes, a song about a one-night stand and the confident freedom of having no strings attached that comes with it. The world was telling me to be a man whore, right?

Conversely, the night before, I was out with good friends grabbing food and drinks where, at one point, I was opining about how I found myself feeling particularly dejected after someone I seemed to have palpable chemistry with completely ghosted me.

While we all win and lose in the game of romance and sex, this particular situation struck a chord deep inside that I wasn’t expecting. Small winds of disappointment and exasperation come for us all with the dating game, especially in our era of apps, where a majority of interactions are fleeting.

But this one hurt the insecure 15-year-old that lives somewhere in my psyche. The one who wasn’t fully confident in himself yet and feared rejection on most levels, the tale of most adolescents.

More than anything, those moments can sting, lightly or intensely, and be baffling because you want basic closure. A simple, ‘Hey, you’re great, but I’m just not interested’ is all a person needs.

But alas, therein lies the duality of human nature.

I have the ability to feel something on a deeper level one day, relaying to my friends about how I want something consistent and not to be alone forever, and then not giving a damn the next as I’m saying some wildly X-rated things to another suitor.

Also displaying the yin and the yang of it all is how, after being single for 2+ years now, there is a beautiful luxury of flying solo, but also that sporadic loneliness with its desire for something steady creeps in too.

Case in point: I am an AMC Stubs member (something I’ve advertised to many friends over the last few years and should really investigate getting paid for) and frequently go to the movies to see everything from Dune: Part 2 to Poor Things to Kung Fu Panda 4; it’s a coat of many colors.

I go by myself generally and welcome it as I am going to become immersed in a movie for two hours, not hang out with people. Recently though, I felt that pit in my stomach as the Nicole Kidman ad flashed across the screen. I thought, ‘It would be nice to do this with a significant other’.

I’ve rarely been a person who has thought about how a majority of the people around me are in long-term relationships or married etc., but of course, with all these collective recent moments, I couldn’t help but think about how single I felt.

To some degree, that particular thought for any of us at any time when it does creep in is irrelevant as any of these couples could break up at any given that life is unpredictable, but in the here and now, the thought takes a different avenue.

I joked with my friend about the Sex and the City episode where Miranda almost chokes on her Chinese food alone in her apartment. Side note, I have loved hopping back in with its recent Netflix release, even though it’s been available on HBO for years. There’s something that turns the light bulb on and makes it feel novel on another streaming service – we’re simple creatures. But I digress.

Miranda then cries to Carrie that she feels like she’s going to die alone and while I don’t feel that desperate about things, the heightened emotions will make you ponder such things.

But then again, I oscillate back to the other end of the spectrum where I love the ability to do me whenever, wherever and without attachment.

Very much in one of those cliché spaces of life where I have been focused on myself, the slow burn that is building a career and the even slower burn that is being mentally content on a daily basis, romance as a general concept has felt like less of a priority.

Casual sex, on the other hand, is not as who among us doesn’t need some intimacy in the form of lust?

This is another branch of the puzzle that I’ve long had mixed feelings on.

After laughing at myself on Sunday about what I perceived to be ‘hoe behavior’ in chatting up four guys at once, I was thinking about the psychology of it all.

In this era of sex positivity and freedom of self-expression that is seemingly ever evolving on the daily, who cares if I was chatting about 10 guys at once? However, to quote Emma Stone in Easy A, in regard to her alleged physical dalliances, “sounds like a lot of work”.

I read about Karamo Brown of Netflix’s Queer Eye fandom going on 40 dates in 40 days or some rapid fire rate like that. Whew, I do not have the time, money or patience for all of that. That is not a science experiment I’m willing to roll the hypothetical dice on.

Variety is the spice of life (that was not a Dune reference as mentioned, drum roll please!). I am a young-ish, handsome (modesty) guy who is enjoying the freedom of single life and having a great second wave of figuring out what I do and don’t want in a person, whether for a couple of weeks or a couple of years.

As far as dating apps, it’s understood that this is not something that should be taken too seriously given the fickle nature of most on them.

People have busy lives. People are flaky. And in the sea of thousands of other profiles to skim through, it seems people often think the grass is greener elsewhere, grass that contains EVERY SINGLE THING they’re looking for. Best of luck with those standards – did that sound bitter or realistic?

In my early 20s when I first dabbled in dating apps, I approached it with a young enthusiasm and felt down a handful of times when weeks’ long interactions that were seemingly going well abruptly dissipated.

Now in my 30s? Please. (Rare moments like the above aside)

Sometimes maybe you just want to hang out with a good looking, charming date with the possibility of some penetration on a Saturday night. At the very least, someone should be catching some tongue, yaknowwhatImean?!

I saw a meme a few weeks ago that claims the average person only has sex with 5 people in their lives. Word to the wise to take information via social media with the heaviest grain of salt. Cue the mind blown emoji at that possible theory though because, if true, myself and almost everyone I know is a loose slut.

I’m personally not talking dozens of suitors in and out my bedroom, but 5?! I’m sorry to reference it twice, but Samantha from Sex and the City would like a word. Now there was a busy woman, both business and pleasure.

In the last two months, I’ve been on dates with four different guys from four different walks of life. I generally have a few in the texts rotating around at all times, as indicated. It keeps my options open and keeps the adrenaline, testosterone and creativity flowing.

After having this constant internal debate with myself and never leaving home without my unhinged sense of humor, I pondered the psychology of why I’ve often been more hesitant to partake in casual dating.

Why was I being judgmental to myself about allowing the freedom and exploration of it all?

Pretty much everywhere worldwide, there are the easily pinpointed standards of society that set up the generic framework of finding ‘the one’ or having a soulmate or at the very least being linked to one person at a time or forever.

Most people are more open-minded in 2024 and have a ‘be safe, have fun’ mentality about it all.

However, there is still an underlying notion and judgment that being a little looser in your romantic escapades denotes a person of questionable morals and overall character. But that’s not the end all framework or guidelines many should or do live by.

As experience, the experience of others, pop culture and anything in our orbit teaches us, while casual sex may be fun and adrenaline-inducing, in addition to a good workout, it also will eventually leave you wondering what else there is.

Life cannot forever be just random encounters, but you have to experience them and the loneliness or passion that comes from one or the other to know the difference.

If this all feels like a very tangled web of confusion, neuroses, possibilities and raw sexuality, it’s because it absolutely is.

This shouldn’t be a surprise to me as someone with raging OCD; however, this is a quandary that we all go through as we figure out what we want. We’re also ever-changing individuals and the goal posts or checkpoints we set for ourselves are hilariously shaky at best as they can’t always be met.

What my recent moral dilemma and exploration of motives reiterated to me was there is no right or wrong (outside of blatantly ludicrous behavior) and there is no one size fits all. It’s something I know to be true in every aspect of life, but it takes on new meaning with time and circumstance.

So, if I want to be the equivalent of a monk in solitude for 6 months, working on my inner peace and discovering self-fulfillment, during one era of life and finding myself in the bedroom of a dozen suitors during the next 6 months, I guess I’ll call that balance? Or maybe this is proof that we’re giving the term ‘delulu’ all the mileage we can.

All the Flavors: Dating Archetypes

One of the most relevant and shared tropes of being back out on the market after ending a long-term relationship is the foray back into dating apps – Bumble, Hinge, Scruff, but never Plenty Of Fish (have some self-respect).

Whether your gay, straight, bisexual or ambiguous, it is both exhilarating and exhausting out in these streets.

The dating experience of your teens, 20s and beyond is an educational, colorful journey and even more vast are the set of characters you encounter in your many travels to bars, restaurants, coffee shops, bowling alleys, arcades, museums and carnivals across the tri-state area.

It’s no big revelation that with age, the trial and error or going on however many dates teaches you a thing or two about what you want out of your romantic dalliances and the type of personalities you might be attracted to.

That usually changes over time too. I, for example, used to be on my Fatal Attraction flow to someone who looked like Pauly D from Jersey Shore, but these days, find me someone on the same page as a Shemar Moore or Victor Cruz (complete with the salsa moves) and I’d be content.

From blatant assholes to the overly endearing to walking Petri dishes to beautiful morons to actually well-adjusted civilians, the range is broad.

Animal Attraction: There are some suitors you cross paths with at the right time and place where the physical/sexual chemistry is palpable – it’s unexplainable. The hope is that with a true, long-term partner, you can have this great vibe as well, but it seems these bonds are usually a little more fleeting – you can’t have everything. You catch their eyes and it is GAME ON. They might not even be your ‘type’ and you might have no business interacting anywhere outside of a bedroom, bathroom, alley way or crawl space, but that’s good enough for the moment. All you know is you will see this person naked before the night is over. In my experience, a couple of shots of tequila are usually also involved in this equation. These situations might last one night or become a steady fwb (friends with benefits) situation where there are no expectations, except taking your clothes off 20 minutes after making pointless small talk about their day.

Pseudo-Sweet Nothings: This is a classic prototype and the most common one out in the dating world for men and women alike. Sometimes, you don’t even know you’re getting charmed aka low-key bullshitted until something has gone terribly wrong, like a prescription to clear up a rash. This person just wants to fuck and that’s all well and good, but they feel the need to put up grand pretenses (like a desire to know you on a deeper level). In truth, they’re doing not only you, but themselves a disservice because there’s a percentage of the time you’re not looking for more than sex anyway, but their con artist shenanigans can turn you off from even entertaining the idea. There is a lot of slick talk (and mouths) here and amusing, witty banter. In your early 20s, you will encounter this and either be deceived long enough to be hoodwinked or know better and cut your losses. At 30+, you already recognize that game from the starting line.

Pure Innocence: Truly good natured, sweet and with not one bad bone in their body (except maybe some BDSM fetish you’ll soon find out about), this is a genuinely endearing soul. They might be green in the dating game, social inept or still exploring their sexuality and seeing what works for them. Whatever the case, you almost want to handle them with such tender love and care and not break their heart because they are innocent and have a kind aura. Personally, I spent every weekend of a summer with this type some years back and I still have a soft spot for him in my heart. We weren’t ever going to work because I needed a little more zest from my prospective partner, but to this day, I would throw a punch for this person. I’m not a fighter, but don’t mess with good people.

Take A Number: Unlike the bullshit artist mentioned above, this type of person many a time isn’t actively trying to be a scumbag. They just have no interest in anything beyond casual hookups and, much of the time, will be very forthcoming with that information with or without inquiry. This really does kill any uncertainty faced in other territories and really sets the tone for casual flings or full blown infatuation. Unfortunately, the latter seems to be the case about 90% of the time because in some way, we want that elusive prize. More than that, it’s just the cruel comedy of the world that these folks are usually attractive, exude the right amount of confidence and humor and maybe even come across like a great package – they might even have one of those too (hey now).

Beautifully Hollow: Forgive me, but I once went on a date with someone who thought that Europe was a country – do you know what I mean? I can barely do math beyond fractions and understand we all have our strengths and weaknesses, but I audibly laughed at said person. I am an asshole – I accept it. There is a type of person who is very handsome or gorgeous and their looks, money and/or perhaps athletic ability have allowed them to get by without giving too much essential thought to anything else, like reading a book. Consequently, conversations with them can be fun and eye-opening, but you can tell there won’t be anything other than surface level connection and maybe a quick dip into that after hours pool. Really though, I mean a pool, like when I spent the night at a Hilton for free with a stunningly handsome actor that my company worked with.

Ships Passing in the Night: Missed connections is another way to describe this situation. Life is all about timing and how true it can be in our sex/love affairs. There can be genuine connection, enthusiasm for potential future dates and hopeful possibility, but the factors just don’t seem to be adding up in your favor. During my early days on OkCupid years ago, I went on a handful of dates with someone that I immediately felt a connection to. It was undeniable. After a couple months, he was unexpectedly offered a chance to work in Paris and who is anyone to pass that up? We always remained friendly and I was over it as quickly as it began, but I have wondered occasionally what could have happened.

Walk of Shame: They say if you haven’t had at least one walk of shame in your hookup experience, you haven’t done it right. I think that’s just a scapegoat for reformed (or current) promiscuous folks to feel less guilty or insecure about how many times they’ve strolled out of a stranger’s apartment building at 8AM on a Wednesday looking like they just got gang-banged at a rave while everyone else is on their way to work – I’m not speaking from experience, just imagining. In these moments, you might have set out with the intentions of winding up said person’s bed, but when you wake up in a hungover daze and see your one-time lover, you might still be astounded by your own behavior and shiver in disbelief. Many of us have played the asshole in this scenario as the person might genuinely be into you, but you either provide polite transparency or completely ghost them. Over the years, I’ve made it a point to not ghost dates afterwards because it’s unnecessarily rude, but… it’s been Halloween in April a few times is all I’m saying.

Winner, Winner: Amidst the crowd and usually when you’re least expecting it after becoming disillusioned with the dating game may come the more significant, life-changing love affairs. All three of my long-term relationships have been with people that I initially was chatting with very passively. With the most recent, I was on the verge of deleting my dating apps because at the time, it had been almost a year since my previous partner and I went on dates with about 25 guys. That sounds like a lot… and it was a lot. Regardless, in this situation, I wasn’t holding much hope for anything because I had seen all the colors of the rainbow (insert cliché gay joke #147), but sometimes you are pleasantly surprised. Some of the people out there value your time, the intricacies of your personality and have a genuine interest in every part of your story. Even if they don’t last a lifetime, these types make you understand that the joy and terror that is the dating world has its risks, but also meaningful rewards if you’re lucky and patient.

Whether you’ve went on ten dates or two hundred, been with the same person since college or have seen the fine details of more New York City apartments in the wee hours of the morning than you care to admit, the dating game is something we all must partake in.

Some dates I’ve left knowing I’ll never call or even text that person again because my time and theirs is valuable and you come to understand that tenfold here.

Others I’ve weighed the pros and cons on in spending another $60 (I’m on a budget) on dinner and drinks to dig a little deeper into what could come from another night at a shady locale in the West Village.

And then there’s some that have just felt right and, no matter the outcome, were worth the time and experience.

Just don’t hop on a booze cruise on your first date because if things go awry in the first hour, you really have no escape route – trust me.

More than Rainbows & Circuit Parties: Perks of Being a Gay Man

I knew I was gay by the time I was 10. There were some early signs I can recall.

I loved to watch Days of Our Lives, a soap opera my mom enjoyed that happened to work with my childhood afternoon schedule and our shared love of Cup O’Noodles (for a brief moment in time just Cup Noodles, who knew?) My salt intake as a growing boy was HEAVY.

I played with a wide assortment of action figures, but particularly loved my Sailor Moon dolls – well, they were action figures, but people would call them dolls. Power Rangers were another top contender, but now I’m just reminiscing.

These are just two of many small moments that anyone – straight, gay, bisexual or other – could partake in and it doesn’t mean a thing because children are children, but I knew.

I would say a huge component of my inclination for same-sex relations came from the fact that I had an older brother with friends that regularly flashed me as it goes with hormonal teenage boys. There are many semi-homoerotic moments in these years. What can I say – I became curious!

Like anyone in this world, sans sexuality, it took many years to become comfortable in my own skin. Add being a homosexual man to the mix and I had to learn how to operate as a person going through adolescence in general, but then also as someone who knew very well of the societal views around me.

Bigotry surrounding the LGBTQ community is far from gone, especially growing up in a place like I did that lacked diversity and all but promoted ‘traditional’ mindsets. The macho mentality was very substantial and while I didn’t particularly care about being the most masculine guy, I also wanted to be accepted and not seen as ‘feminine’ or a ‘pussy’.

With time, life experience and a better sense of self, you come to appreciate all the aspects of your personality and even come to appreciate the rocky road you had to take to get there. In my case, being gay isn’t a part of my personality – it’s one of my true essences as much as being Italian and Irish is.

It’s funny the way life works though that with enough trial and error and knowledge of the world, I’m not only proud of who I am, but also relieved.

There are certain aspects of being a straight man that I do not envy or have any desire to be a part of. We are all made up of much more than our sexual preferences (hopefully), but on the topic, I’ve laughed at how full circle the mentality has been. These are some trivial and meaningful reasons why.

No Plan B: Close to the top of the benefits of being a gay man for me anyway is the absence of unplanned pregnancies. How many of us know at least five friends or acquaintances who now have a kid or two that wasn’t planned? Or with someone they didn’t know well? Plan B is a lifesaver sometimes as an old associate who jokingly called herself ‘Fertile Myrtle’ knew all too well (horrible, but effective). If the woman wants to keep the baby though, I’ve watched some friends go through the shock and acceptance process. Life is unpredictable and not wearing a condom is a shaky game that can lead to a bundle of joy making its way – cue that Knocked Up scene with Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl. I know enough walking testaments of friends that are now much more careful in their sexual dalliances… I’m just saying.

Bro Life: Like I said, growing up for most guys comes with the collective pressure to ‘act like a man’, not be a ‘wuss’, bench press unnecessary weights and objectify women at every chance. I have a well-rounded sense of humor, but there are boundaries. I never gave too much credence to this, but didn’t want to be thought of as ‘acting like a girl’ for less than macho behaviors. On the contrary though, I love being a man – so much so it seems that I want to be with other men. However, we are all multi-faceted and even the guys that act differently behind closed doors and have the need to say ‘no homo’ after complimenting a friend are a mix of masculinity and femininity. Being gay and proud in this regard is the ultimate freedom. I could be as flamboyant as I want, stroll the streets with rainbow nail polish and high heels without concern of these perceptions. Hey girl, hey!

This is My House: Possibly a bit contradictory to the masculinity factor, but not sharing a home with a woman comes with some relief – no offense to all my beautiful, kind, amazing female friends of course (side eye). There are some habits that, as a man, I can freely do and not be worried about hearing it from my wife or girlfriend. Enter the bathroom – the ultimate of home and lifestyle battlegrounds for men and women. You know one stereotype that doesn’t hold up? Men being messier than women. Have you SEEN some of the makeup bombs that have been set off in these bathrooms? I’ve walked into the bathrooms of many family and friends and just thought ‘holy shit’. They apologize for the mess, you say you don’t care because you don’t, but also, don’t ever complain about the toilet seat being left up again. Leaving the toilet seat up is my luxury. Unless I need to take a load off (too much?), that toilet seat is staying up 24/7. It’s simple, but I’m lazy and the relief felt from it not even being on my radar is bliss.

No Stranger Danger: Speaking of the male and female interactions, this one is definitely a double-edged sword. On one hand, a lot of girls will treat gay men with reckless abandon because they’re pretty sure there’s no real possibility of you being ‘just another guy’ who’s trying to get in their pants and/or who has an ulterior motive in being around them. This is nice to some degree, but can also be a little unintentionally rude, degrading and shows a level of ignorance about the experience of a gay man. I’ve been called a ‘GBF’ (gay best friend) by a few of my close, female friends and while I’m not offended, there are certain implications and preconceived notions that title has. Either way, on the positive end, it’s nice to just be yourself whole-heartedly, show emotions without worry, talk about how attractive Michael B. Jordan is and discuss the intricacies of The Real Housewives. I haven’t watched much of it recently because I’m trying retain the last of my brain cells, but I still know all about the Erika Jayne case.

Resilience: There are pivotal aspects and moments of adversity that will build your resilience, allowing you to become better equipped and more knowledgeable in future endeavors. Learning how to accept myself as a gay man, dealing with hateful words, potential assault and the whole grocery cart full of insecurities was one of the factors that helped me build a tough skin. There were other areas of my life that have cultivate this capability to bounce back in the face of hardship, but my journey of being a gay man is up there. I see this is as one of the best takeaways from being part of the LGBTQ community. I know how to weave through the nonsense of life with more ease because I know what it’s like to be in a dark hole mentally and almost unable and unaware of how I was going to make it past that moment. People find this strength and awareness in a variety of circumstances. For me, one of them was coming to terms with my sexual identity in the world. There is a commonality among many members of the community that, even though life is hard, we are proud to be who we are because we know the trip to get there.

Come One, Come All: Being a part of any marginalized group of people means that you know what it’s like to be treated differently for a part of yourself that you cannot (and with time don’t want) to change. Being gay made me open and accepting of people from all walks of life. It was and still is a learning curve on becoming less ignorant and more understanding of different backgrounds, but you have less judgmental ways because you know all anyone really wants is acceptance. I don’t know anyone’s backstory and unless they’re egregiously rude or hostile to me, why am I going to not take the opportunity to know them better? People are always apologizing for who they are or any petty behavior they think might be unappealing to others. The amount of times I’ve said ‘Oh please, I don’t care’ or ‘You’re fine’ to friends and strangers alike is unreal – and I really mean it. This is one of the best gifts that has come with being a gay man. I’m not closed off and those barriers dissipated a long time ago. What is a life if it’s not well-rounded and diverse in the company you keep? Surrounding yourself with all the same would be bland, restrictive and unprogressive. Come as you are.

Being gay. Again, it’s just one of the many true essences of my person, my soul and who I am in this world. It’s not my whole entity though.

However, being proud of who I am and being myself in general is something that has come with some unexpected benefits – both ridiculous and important.

Overall though, the freedom and joy that comes with being a proud gay man in a chaotic world as ours brings me back to this quote, “If I could have chosen to be gay or straight, I think I would have simply chosen to be happy”.