‘I’m telling you I’m not making it back’ I said to my friend as I almost got taken out by a car for maybe the tenth time that day as I strolled the streets of London.
My innate disposition to jaywalk as a New Yorker, while generally efficient, was abruptly curbed over the week and not adjusting to the cars going in the opposite direction. I still don’t know left from right and up from down was what I learned in my travels.
Recently, I set out on my first solo international trip to the land of our former betrothed. Thank God we won that freedom I thought many times. The trip was long overdue, highly anticipated and much needed for my mental well being.
What I didn’t realize was just how much of a shakeup to my inner paradigms the trip would be.
2022 was full of shifts in my personal and professional life. I was happy to be on the other side and grateful for the lessons. I felt like I had truly grown.
After dragging my feet for the first half of this year, I begun making plans for my trip abroad. Madrid and Paris were the initial choices, but I had a bigger agenda on my mind.
Single and unattached with no kids and nothing pressing holding me here in America – sorry, family and friends – I had begun heavily pondering a move overseas this past spring. Some will scoff and think the proposition is outlandish, by why not?
Life is about variety, experiences and the whole lot of clichés. I needed a change of scenery, a new chapter of life and everything that comes with it.
While a place like Barcelona may sound more appealing to many than London, particularly from a weather standpoint, I felt that a location and country where my native tongue was spoken (sans our different spelling of words like ‘color’ vs. ‘colour’) was the target.
People will talk about how so many people speak English in certain cities, but job opportunities outside of teaching require a full command of the local language.
With that said, I set off for my trip across the pond with full enthusiasm and curiosity of what I’d see, who I might meet and what the possibility of a life a stone’s throw away from Buckingham Palace would look like.
Call me an cynical American, I saw the palace and wasn’t impressed, but The White House also does not leave me in awe… maybe I’m the wrong person for this.
Maybe it was the fact that I was brimming with excitement about scouting out a new neighborhood and enjoying a trip to get away from the routine of my daily life for a week in general.
Maybe it was the fact that I was working on two hours of sleep, delirious and forced myself to stay awake to avoid being up at awkward hours, full of a delicious Pinot Noir.
But at the end of that first day as I sank into my hotel bed (possibly the best sleep of my life), I was smiling and thinking ‘I think I could really do this’.
Looking back and as someone outside of this shot may immediately think, a day was not enough to solidify such a thought and it was pure naivete to think otherwise. But a vacation, for any intent or purpose, will have you caught up in a fantasy of what could be. Like I said, why not?
The next day, I spent the whole day with my aunt and cousin who made a quick trip over from Ireland. We hopped on one of the generic double decker buses, saw some sights, wandered some classic streets and got some good food.
The sentimentality I felt about my mother who died some years back naturally came surging in like it hadn’t since the months after she died. Being able to reconnect with my cousin that I grew up with and my aunt who was so close with my mother was a welcomed and necessary moment.
Ireland and Britain are obviously two different places, but people naturally link them as there are some intrinsic similarities. Whatever the case, being so close to the Emerald Isle where I spent weeks of my summers growing up made me take stock of where I was.
That Sunday, I roamed all up and downs the streets of Camden Town through their busy markets, meandering through some residential areas to get a feel for the mix of suburban and city-esque life. I went through the streets of Islington with its shops and arts scene. I soaked up the scents, foods and sights of Shoreditch with its well-known Brick Lane.
It wasn’t a full British experience by any means, but it was novel and eye-opening to me.
As the day started winding down, I was exhausted. In going to another country, I felt the true sting of not being able to get everything from a one stop shop like a Target or ShopRite. Of course, this was not my homeland and things are different, but to traverse to three different spots for what seemed like simple items threw me for a loop.
Going to another locale with its different culture, people, scenery and everything in between was going to take me outside of my comfort zone. This I knew; however, it happens in ways you don’t imagine.
It’s the privilege and luxury of being able to go to a surplus of nearby locations to get your laundry list of items within minutes.
More than that, I felt the true weight of being alone. It felt depressing and the constant clouds didn’t help (sorry, Brits, but that stereotype held up).
This is what I wanted, I thought… right?
I wanted this experience. I wanted to experience the London life on my own, complete with the hallmarks like Big Ben, Piccadilly Circus (The name still makes me chuckle) and Trafalgar Square to the lesser discussed parts of Brixton, Dalston and Islington – and that’s not even scratching the surface.
I wanted to become immersed in the culture that London is brimming with, complete with diverse cuisine, art, pubs, endless f*cking bridges (beautiful, but so many) and fish and chips.
I was really contemplating a move to the other side of the Atlantic.
But, what I found about halfway through my trip is that this move would/will require a lot more resilience, accepting of the unknown and openness to change than I expected.
My relationships here in the states are of utmost importance to me. Friends often commend me on my dedication to staying in touch… sometimes to their detriment because I am persistent (sorry, love you guys!).
Moving overseas, I wouldn’t lose these connections, but they would of course be completely different. I have four upcoming weddings of long-time friends that I’d miss. I have a few friends expecting kids in the new year and while they know I don’t LOVE kids, it’s part of the journey together.
We’ve been in a new era of life the last 5+ years, complete with real careers, mainstay significant others, kids and shifting priorities. The fact that I’ve maintained many connections in my life for 10, 15 or 20+ years is something I am proud of and hold dear.
The distance wouldn’t break these bonds, but proximity is a real factor.
I have a few friends abroad that, while still good friends, I speak to on the phone maybe twice a year and see them maybe once a year or less. Things couldn’t help but change a bit, strong bonds withstanding.
If I was 23, I know this would feel different. However, I am in my 30s, more settled and these relationships I’m mentioning have deep roots that require consistent watering (that was my trite attempt at a plant metaphor). Some can get by on less, but for me? It’s not enough to speak once a year or send an occasional DM to keep up with people. Alexa play ‘Needy’ by Ariana Grande.
Having to start completely over in unchartered territory, become acclimated to the culture and try to build a new social circle is time-consuming, daunting and overwhelming.
Of course, that is/was part of the zeal about any new chapter like that. THAT was the whole core of the appeal that came with the possibility of starting anew somewhere else.
At the same time, moments abroad will surprise you too and remind you that you can find joy, passion and connection anywhere. I happened to go on a date with someone while there that was smart, good-looking and had things going for him. I didn’t expect to encounter someone like that in my short sojourn and it gave me pause in my spiral of ‘what if?’
What I also learned is that when we are outside our comfort zones and feeling out of sorts and insecure, it can be soothing to have even what seem like insignificant sources of relief and sentimentality.
It sounds silly to write, but even having some snacks that I routinely enjoy at night before bed, having the scent of your favorite candle when you enter a room will make you feel more centered.
What I came to understand that I could make a big transition like that, but it would require me to be gentle with myself and show myself grace and patience.
We’re creatures of habit; changes, even minute ones in our daily lives like meditating, eating better, exercising etc., require adjustments. It takes time.
I had put a lot of unintentional pressure into this trip, particularly in a time of life where I am stable and fairly happy, but want to make some big swings for my future as well.
Overall, the trip left a lasting impression on me, left me with some refreshed perspectives and made me excited for the future. Even if I don’t move abroad, it shifted my inner dynamics.
It taught me that while I love my solo time/solitude, I need people (which sounds like a very ‘no shit’ thing to say, but you feel it deeply in these moments). While I could cultivate new connections abroad, the lack of consistent presence of current ones has potential to throw me for an unprecedented loop that would be heavy.
It taught me that I need to do more things like this that completely dismantle any comfort zone I don’t even realize is so engrained in my psyche and force me to grow and level up.
It reaffirmed my belief that travel feeds your soul (I’m corny), makes your more open-minded and introduces you to walks of life you would have never known otherwise. Living life in one place forever is stifling. Madrid, coming for you in 2024!
And finally, it really proved to me that change and/or the possibility of it can be truly daunting, shaking up core beliefs about what you think you know, want and need, but it’s essential because otherwise you’ll never progress in life… with or without a huge shift of time zone and lifestyle.
More than anything, what I learned is that the lessons we learn at age 5 hold up throughout the years, like ‘look both ways before crossing the street’… my apologies to the bus drivers I flipped off.
mark.angiello 
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